6.29.2006

Abadox, the Abadoxining

I'm still not done with Abadox.

Basically I didn't bother to do a walking through of the parts of the game between where I left off and before the last fight, so just use your imaginations. I fought through shit that looked like bodyparts and space stations and crap.


Pac Man is pissed.

Anyway, according to the game's manual, the progression through Abadox's "body" goes like this:

Stage 1 - Surface/Mouth
Stage 2 - Throat/Esophagus
Stage 3 - Forest of blue nerves/Inner sanctum
Stage 4 - Stomach/Final digestive chamber
Stage 5 - Intestine/Nerve center
Stage 6 - Tube of death/Core

I can't tell what part of a "body" that a Tube of death/Core would stand in for. The level before it was the Intestine/Nerve center, so...I dunno. It's either the heart or Abadox's ass.

So anyway, I'm impatient and I wanna beat this game so I can make more stupid analysisesesses of it, so I start resorting to savestates. Ah, I'll play through the game honestly maybe later today.


NO! YOUR OTHER LEFT!

So anyway, the last boss looks like some kind of Mutant Fetus From Hell That Looks As Though It Has Swallowed The "Beautiful" Princess Maria Who Looks To Be Covering Her Pixel Boobs. I just park the ship right above that green orby thing and whore out the auto fire, killing it in seconds.


Congratulations! You've just rescued Raggedy Fucking Ann!

Now for whatever reason, I guess planet Abadox becomes unstable and you have to escape. I'm not entirely sure what desroying a Mutant Fetus From Hell That Looks As Though It Has Swallowed The "Beautiful" Princess Maria Who Looks To Be Covering Her Pixel Boobs would do. So far the best theory I can come up with is she was sitting on the "DO NOT LET GO OF THIS BUTTON OR YOU WILL BLOW UP ABADOX!" button, and when I freed her, she took the dildo button out of her ass to escape, which would probably explain the orgasmic happy look on her face.


Wait, go look at the last two shots. Doesn't the bubble seem bigger than Mister Nazal?

Basically it's an Escape Through Some Unguarded Tunnel Carrying Raggedy Fucking Ann While Going Ten Billion Miles An Hour sequence. Before I move on, let me get this straight: There was a completely unguarded passageway between where the Princess was, and the exit to Abadox? WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE GO INTO ABADOX THROUGH THAT THEN!? It would have made everyone's lives so much easier! Masoumi would be able to beat the game! I mean if Abadox had a mouth that big, then I'm sure getting into his ass wouldn't have been that hard. And if Abadox was just fucked to hell within the last few hours, he probably hasn't eaten yet either.

Well anyway, you escape out of what I guess could be his ass, and then the ending "sequence" cues. And don't whine about spoilers, I'm sure you saw this one coming:


ABADOX GETS PWNT IN The FACE!

Abadox is destroyed. An entire planet destroyed. Countless millions or billions of lives lost. A truely terrible tragedy.

BUT YOU RESCUED THE PRINCESS!!!!!111111one

So if it was possible to save the Princess, why not a bunch of other people? Why didn't Second Lieutenant Nazal call in some backup from some other sytem? Abadox clearly wasn't going anywhere else, why didn't he piss off for a few hours and show up with the entire Imperial Fleet?

So let me get this straight: I just commited planetary genocide to save one person? An entire fucking planet is destroyed and this bitch is all I have to show for it? Shouldn't there be remorse, and not an upbeat ending theme?

I've been wondering lately if perhaps there was confusion between Nasume (The Japanese developers) and Milton Bradly (the Not-Japanese publisher). Often back then, the publisher would screw things up in a game's presentation that the developers didn't intend for. For example, the villain in the NES Metal Gear games is Big Boss, but if you read the manual or the box, you'd think it was Vermon CaTaffy and Higharolla Cockamemie, because Konami of America thought they were funny. Perhaps you weren't invading Planet Abadox per se, but rather the floating parasite in a pre-emptive strike? And Planet Abadox is just fine and dandy now?

Or maybe those fuckers at Nasume are real jackasses and decided on this really horrible story and ending to fuck with people's minds and make them question humanity as a whole.

Perhaps one of the developers said, "I know! We'll have this giant fucking bacteria cloud devour an entire planet! And when you go inside to save the stereotypical helpless girl, the whole planet blows up! And then in 18 years, some poor bored bastard on an internet blog will try to analyze every aspect of this game to find the answer when really we're just a bunch of assholes who made a game with an awful story! Hahahaahaha!" And since it's illegal for Japanese developers to talk in English, the guy was immediately executed.

The ending reminds me of the ending for Sub Down. In the ending, Stephen Baldwin and his bitch open the top hatch to the sub when they manage to get it to surface. We're alive! We did it! They talk and laugh and smile, apparently not giving two shits about the crew huddled at the back of the sub who are probably dying of asphixiation since there's only one hole open on the sub, and it's a shit far away from them.

God willing, I'm finished discussing Abadox.



For now.

EDIT #1:

This would have made for a better ending sequence.

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