6.27.2006

Abadox - The World's Hardest Game

Developped by Natsume and published by Milton Bradley, Abadox is the hardest. game. ever.


The title screen to the hardest. game. ever.

Seeing as I forgot my jump drive at home (While at home, I had suspected I had forgotten it at work), I decided to look up information on NES games on Wikipedia. Abadox, being near the top in alphabetical order was the first one for me to look at.

Quoting Wikipedia here, "Abadox is a Nintendo game, subtitled "The Deadly Inner War," in which the player, as Second Lieutenant Nazal, battles an alien, Parasitis, that has engulfed the entire planet Abadox and assumed its shape. He must fly into the alien's body in an attempt to rescue the swallowed Princess Maria."

Sounds and looks simple enough, although the plot is clearly on acid. An alien the size of a planet? Either it's a small planet or this alien is huge. Of course, it's not far-fetched to imagine an obese alien these days. Obesity is becoming the number one problem among aliens these days, and they are no longer content with simply consuming a platter of Big Macs, several sides of fries, four McFlurries, and a diet Coke.

So it looks and sounds like Fantastic Voyage meets Gradius. But don't let it fool you, this game is harder than fish sticks (Which are BTW, hard as tits).


Two seconds into the first level. Judging by the position of the player and the enemies, he will be dead in half a second.

Some of you may remember my ranting about Monster Party several months ago, where I made my judgement on the game based on the first level. Well, Monster Party turned out to be pretty tame gore-wise at least until the ending of the game. Abadox however, will rape you at all times.

The first enemy you'll meet is flying giant eyeballs. They usually appear in a line of four. They'll fly straight for about 3/5ths of the screen, and then they'll fly downward or upward to hit you, assuming you weren't already in their line of fire. Aliens, flying eyeballs...Ok, that I can buy.

On the ground, there's these weird globs of shit that I've decided are walking tumors. They walk around for a bit, then spray pieces of brain or ulcers or something at you. Engaging them is almost pointless because if you lower yourself to the ground to shoot them, there's a 99.9% chance you hit the ground (which already looks unappealing to have a picnic on), and blow up and die. I can only assume the outer layer of this alien planet is made of Ashlee Simpson CDs. Aliens, walking tumors...Ok, that I can buy.

Then there's these flying skulls with green hair who shoot at you with quick green shots, and if they don't kill you in their charge, they circle around you and come at you AGAIN. They're FUCKING ANNOYING because they'll wait until you're an inch away from them, and then they'll shoot, giving you no chance of dodging them. Fucking...flying skulls with...green hair? Okay, that I can't buy. Flying skulls and crap belong in Castlevania. How the fuck does that have to do with space? "Wait, Tex beat him to death with his own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible." "I know, that's what Jimmy kept saying." "THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE! *death*"

And the last enemy I can remember encountering were the odd pair of Pteranadons flying at me trying to kill me. FUCKING PTERANADONS. Those were hip, maybe, what, 65 million years ago? How the fuck could you have a Pteranadon in space? Is there another game going on, Halo Park, where Master Chief and Sigourney Weaver have to evade and kill a ring full of fucking dinos? So yeah, I can't buy that either.



If by some grace of Jesus you made it to the boss, you'll die here. This is some kind of...dog...mutant thing that looks more at home in Resident Evil. It jumps at you, fires three slow large shots upward, and then the same little fast cheap shot that the skulls do. It is just impossible to evade him long enough without using game genie cheats or save states or whatever.

Oh, and if you die here? You go right back to the start of the level. This isn't so bad if you got killed two seconds into the game, but then you get to go through the level ALL OVER AGAIN doing the same insane shit you had to do to get that far in the first place.

Think I'm shitting you? Here, play it online on this emulator. Or watch Gamespot user masoumi explain the game, play through it, and get constantly raped while offering inspiring commentary.

"No matter how great you think you are at something, no matter what life goals you accomplish, and successes that you have, they're meaningless. Because unless you can beat this game, who cares?"

He's right.


EDITS:

I forgot one monster. It's a set of teeth that comes at you while floating up and down trying to kill you. Whether or not I can buy it is still under debate.

And HOOOLY FUCK I BEAT THAT DOG MONSTER THING...except I was being ultra defensive and only taking a shot like once every thirty seconds, and I suspect the flash ad on the site was making the emulator run at less than full speed. But it turns out that's not the end of the level, he's just a midboss. FUCK.

I wanna buy this game.


EDIT 2:

Oh, and another thing. Why is he only saving Princess Maria? What the hell's so special about her anyway? Is she damn good in bed? Is everybody else dead and Maria is the sole survivor? Or does Whoever's In Charge (W.I.C.) not give a rats ass about everybody else? What the hell is so special about one person (Save for Bill Gates) who is worth invading a giant oversized alien to rescue them?

I know 80s video game plots aren't worth trying to make sense of, but...wtf? It makes even less sense than Monster Party did.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home