Star Voyager - Moses's Big Adventure

Everybody has their own version of Abadox. I'm not saying that you all physically own copies of Abadox in your closets. It's a fucking metaphor you idiots. You all have at least one old game that you've owned for X number of years that you've never beaten, and the fact of which will haunt you for the rest of your life.

This next game I'm going to discuss is different from the other two, in the sense that I actually own this game. But like Monster Party, I first played it abroad, and like Abadox, I've never beaten it. Ever.

The game is called Star Voyager. It was developped by ASCII Corp., produced by Acclaim, and licensed by Nintendo. And yes, it truely would have killed ASCII to give Star Voyager any sort of title screen. But I will give them credit, it's a catchy ass theme song.

Now before I go any further, again, shouldn't games have actual title screens? Does this really constitute a title screen? This just a little credit thing. Lots of NES games have those, but then they have a title screen. Captain Skyhawk does. Solar Jetman does. Even Abadox does (Albeit in reverse). They couldn't give us a title screen with a fancy ass pixilated space ship and a guy giving thumbs up and making the game look cool?

Well, they sorta did part of that. If you let the title screen idle for about two minutes, the "title screen" pisses off and this space ship shows up (presumably yours). And then the pilot opens the canopy and fucking stands up, and starts to wave.


Now I for one have never been in space. I have however, visited Epcot Center twice, which fully qualifies me to criticize the following: Why the fuck did you open your canopy while flying in space, and stand up, in space, and start waving, in space? There are so many things wrong with this! First of all, unless his boots are strapped both to his feet and to the floor, wouldn't he fall out? If you watch this sequence, the stars are moving towards the screen, implying that his ship is flying pretty fast in reverse. Plus...SPACE! THERE'S NO FUCKING AIR IN SPACE! Why would you just randomly blow open your cockpit to wave like an idiot for 20 seconds, in REVERSE?

I'm getting ahead of myself, but if this guy is indicative of the people I have to save in this game, no wonder they're so fucked up.

So anyway, I hit start, and this little scene of the idiot, described previously, getting into his ship. You may be asking yourself, "Why is he getting into that space craft that looks like the aeronautics version of a fucking Model-T?" To that I say, "Hey, if the game doesn't want to tell me the storyline, then damned if I'm going to give a shit about it at this point."

So anyway, I launch, and I get this HUD

Clearly the guage on the right supports gay marriage

Now, you see, with Abadox, if you played the game long enough and memorized every single enemy spawn point, you could predict the entire game. Star Voyager is unique in that the playing field is different every game, so no two rapes are the same! Fun!

For example, one round the field looked like this:

Another time, it looked like this:

And another time, it looked like this:

Uh oh.

Now because this is your first time playing the game, you fiddle with the controls a bit. You figure out that start pauses the game, A fires lasers, holding B speeds up your ship, and select opens up that menu shown above. If you tinker at it even more, you discover that you can warp to other sectors like in Star Trek. Fun! I think I'm gonna go warp over to that thing that looks like a plus sign!

Now becase you have no fucking clue how the warp system works, you warp individually from sector to sector until you get to the plus sign. Then your little CNN news ticker displays this tidbit of helpful info:

"Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1!" "NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!"

FUUUUUCK! BLACK HOLE! PAANICCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!11111111 You fire up your warp engine and try to get the fuck back out of there. And just before it gets all fired up, you kinda woosh forward. Phew, did I make it? Wait, the screen's flashing a bit. Now what?


Game fucking over. You're stuck in a fucking black hole. And this isn't like any other game over. No, this game over hurts. This game over will hurt you. This isn't a little "Game over, wanna play again?" screen with cute music playing like in Abadox. This is a blunt, "GAME OVER" screen with music, so remorseful, that you shut off the NES, run away crying, and don't come out of bed for a week.

This is a sick, twisted game over that should be used for terrorist interrogations. Just loop this scene over and over and they'll tell you anything to get you to stop it.

Anyway, I think it's now time for some context. I stole this description from the game's manual:

The Place: Spiral Galaxy IX

The Problem: A flotilla of Molok Wardrivers are holding your temporary home, CosmoStation Noah, captive.

You and your people never wanted any trouble. You had boarded CosmoStation Noah in an attempt to flee a Galaxy whose sun was quickly dying.

Your hope was to find a new home. In a Galaxy whose sun was young and strong.

But suddenly - as you entered Spiral Galaxy IX - all hope began to dwindle. For you were confronted with one of the most ruthless astral terrorist groups in the universe: the Molok Wardrivers.

The Molok Wardrivers are renowned for their total disrespect for anything but rampant destruction. And they need no provocation to be driven into action.

Fortunately, the planners of CosmoStation Noah had thought to include the RH 119 in their inventory of equipment.

The RH 119 is one of the most supra-tech space vehicles ever designed. And it's equiped with Laser Cannons, Barrier Shields, a Life Support System and Adam, a fully-integrated bio-computer.

The thing is, there were only a handful of CosmoStation Noah inhabitants trained to work with Adam. And one of them was you.

After a series of stringent tests - for reflexes, endurance, intelligence and physical and psychological strength - you were chosen from all the rest.

And now it is your job to leave the CosmoStation and go meet the enemy. All hope rides in your hands.

I am not a religious man. In fact, as a child, I was disgusted that a book I took out at the library entitled "Genesis" had nothing to do with the Sega console. But doesn't this story sound a little...Jewy? This kinda sounds like Noah's Ark (Book of Genesis) and Moses and his peoples in the desert (Book of I Don't Fucking Know). Also, the original title of this game was "Cosmo Genesis". Did they change the name to abide by Nintendo of America's strict rules against religion in games, or did Star Voyager just sound cooler?

Again, I am not a religious person, and my comprehension of any religious stuff I refer to in this article spawns from reading the Wikipedia entry on "Book of Genesis" for like five minutes, and an episode of Rugrats where the little brats retell the story of Moses and his bitches.

So, in this story, CosmoStation Noah would be the Ark, the RH 119 would be Moses, and the "Molok Wardrivers" (Henceforth to be referred to as "Klingons") are, for lack of a better comprehension, the Jehova's Witnesses.

Now, from our previous soul crushing experience in Star Voyager, something named "ADAM" (Acronym for "A Damn Apple Macintosh") never came into play. Wait a minute...Space thingies with AIs? ZONE OF THE BENDERS! Maybe ADAM and ADA should have sex.

Wait, wasn't Adam somebody important in the book of Genesis, too? Oh! Yeah! He was the first male in the world to be screwed over by admitting the truth. And that is why guys always lie. Because we got fucked in the beginning by telling the truth, and damned if we're going to screw ourselves out of ANOTHER Eden.

Where the fuck was I? Ok, so basically this is my list of mission objectives:

1. Kill all the Jehova's Witnesses.

And it seems to me the ways I can screw this up are:

1. My ship blows up.
2. I get sucked into another fucking black hole.
3. The Jehova's Witnesses convert my Jews.

Alright! So, let's look at the map again.

Simple enough! Let's go on over to one of those quadrants with the bad guys and kick some ass!



Finally, some action! Umm...where's the enemy? I think I'll go into my warp menu and throw up my shields just in ca- HOLY SHIT! AAAH! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!



-Runs away sobbing-

That's one bummer about this game: You get only one life. Jeez, didn't the Jews have the sense to pack more than one Space Model-T? Now it's just a matter of time before those innocent Jews get converted and it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

Okaaay, let's try this again. Maybe I'll try visiting one of those planet-looking things on the map.

Hey, look! It's planet Abadox! Let's pay them a visit!

Hellooooo...anybody home?

Well that was a giant waste of time. Oh, this must be planet Earth! Let's see what's shakin' there!

Fucking hell, do I smell that bad?

Fuck, ONE of these planets must have somebody home. Oh, another one! Let's swing on by!


Well THAT was a giant waste of time. I wasted time visiting three empty planets and what do I have to show for it? NOTHING! And where are those Jehova's people no- FUCK! And now there's even MORE of them! Alright, I'm gonna try ONE MORE PLANET!

OMG! It's God! And he's giving me a super laser! SWEEEEEET! TIME TO GO KICK SOME JEHOVA ASS! Waaarping...throwing up the shields...BRING IT BITCHES!


-Runs off screaming and crying AGAIN! Slams door.-

BAH. I'll get raped more later.


Blogger Edward Ott said...

That game looks supremely stupid. thank you for the warning.

11:47 PM  

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