Third Echelon

Speed Run/g1 Submission Sunday

2006-11-12T13:55:00.000-04:00

Star Voyager (NES)

James Bond: The Duel in 13:33

Next on PNN - DANIEL CRAIG WATCH

2006-11-02T13:44:00.000-04:00

If you believe what DCiNB would tell you, apparently Daniel Craig "has further infuriated James Bond fans". Well, I'm a James Bond fan, let's see what I'm supposed to be so infuriated about:

Despite insisting he is a huge fan of the series, Craig, 38, has now admitted he hasn’t made the effort to watch a Bond adventure on the big screen since he was five, when his father took him to see ‘Live and Let Die’.

Ok, they have their panies in a bunch because the guy hasn't seen a James Bond movie in theatres for a while? Like oh my god, the guy isn't allowed to play James Bond because he hasn't sat in a movie theatre for every single James Bond film since Live and Let Die? Whoop de fuckin' do. I've only seen two James Bond films in theatre. Does that make me evil?

They don't bother to point out that maybe he rented the films. Maybe he bought the films on VHS. Maybe he caught them on TV one night. No, oh fucking no, if you don't go back in time and watch every single James Bond movie, you are not qualified to be a fan of James Bond. It's the end of the fucking world as we know it. And I feel fine.

Oh, and they still harp on Craig because he's "unattractive" or some shit like that. You know how people complain that women in video games (i.e. Ada Wong) are just simply unrealistic? Maybe that's the problem Bond has been having. What kind of hardened government agent looks like a Playboy anyway?

I would really like to get a shot of the webmaster of their site. And see if they're really anything special. Or if they have latent homosexual tendancies.

Rad Racer Two-Pack!

2006-10-30T22:38:00.000-04:00

Rad Racer Runthrough, Made Awesome

Rad Racer II Review

Resident Evil 4 Shooting Gallery, Zelda style

2006-10-24T23:44:00.000-03:00

Wife Force One

2006-10-23T20:51:00.000-03:00

The Simpsons meets Donkey Kong

2006-10-22T23:14:00.000-03:00

Sure it's a season and a half old, but it still cracks me up.

Dear DanielCraigIsNotBond.com

2006-10-13T11:58:00.000-03:00

Brosnan is old.

Brosnan is wrinkly.

Brosnan has grey hairs.

Get over it.

Silent Force One

2006-10-03T15:22:00.000-03:00

Godzilla - Bitch of Bitches!

2006-10-02T20:59:00.000-03:00

Bloodrayne sucked, and I miss you.

2006-09-26T16:42:00.000-03:00

Ok, so I know this guy who recently picked up an actual DVD of Uwe Boll's stinker Bloodrayne, and he's offered to share his insights provided I protect his identity.

This movie just...sucks. It sucks big ones. It might have been an alright movie if the ending wasn't so fucking retarded. But it was. The most fucking retarded movie. I'm not sure which is worse, Bloodrayne or Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. It's just fucking bad.

Michael Madsen was clearly reading his lines off the back of his paycheck.

Not only would Michelle Rodriguez's accent change from scene to scene, sometimes it would change in the same scene

The costumes were bad. Rayne's supposed to have big boots with a giant knife for a stiletto, and look hot while she's killing.

Rayne is supposed to be American, born in the early 19th century. In the movie, she's European and born in the 17th century. RAPE OF STORYLINE

All weapons are blunt. The camera gets close enough to the weapons enough times for one to tell they aren't sharpened.

(From Rotten Tomatoes) During the montage at the end of the film, we see the owner of the side-show getting killed, but the problem is the blood shooting from his body is not actually coming from his body, but shooting up from a device in front of him. You can even see steam from compressed air used to shoot the blood up.

Then there's this.

The Boozening, now on YouTube

2006-09-21T16:24:00.000-03:00

And Now For Something Completely Different

2006-09-18T16:34:00.000-03:00

One thing that's kinda weird is DVDs up here in Canada. Up here, we have the whole bilingual thing, so lots of things come in English and French. Some DVD covers are just in English, like they would be anywhere else.

Some DVDs come bilingually, so they have two labels on the side, and a french description on the back.

This is where my mind gets boggled. Sometimes the movie name is the same in French as it is in English. So then why is it labeled there twice?

Just a thought.

Landing in Top Gun is HARD

2006-09-13T22:30:00.000-03:00

Double-O-Snake

2006-09-11T20:13:00.000-03:00

Activision Corporate Ad

2006-09-10T15:50:00.000-03:00

Enough is enough.

2006-08-22T14:29:00.000-03:00

Monster Party - That's right kids, drugs are safe!

2006-08-21T13:20:00.000-03:00

It's been a while since I've written an NES article, or done anything NES related for that matter. I blame two things for this:

1. Gamecube
2. Iceberg Vodka and Bacardi Superior

So I figured I was long overdue for one. Today's feature presentation is Monster Party by Bandai. For those who didn't read my previous two articles about Monster Party, the game's a little strange. Just a smidgen.

^{First person to start singing "The Monster Mash" dies.}

Now this article isn't so much flaming the gameplay, which is actually kinda cool. You hit projectiles with your bat back at enemies. Or you can bash their brains in. Whatever.

Firstly, why don't we get a quick game-supplied overview of the plot.

^{Truely Oscar material.}

First of all, it's completely acceptable for little kids to go with complete stranger monsters off to faraway planets to do battle with evil monsters, provided they're back in time for dinner.

Now here on Earth we're not very big on having monsters, so I can understand Bert being a little confused and kidnapping the first human he sees (Sadly without the van), but I'm thinking there's better people he could have abducted:

Lawyers

Navy SEALs

Samuel L. Jackson

Granted, none of these people would willingly go with Bert (The SEALs and Jackson would kill him, and the Lawyers would bog him down with a civil suit), so I suppose kidnapping an impressionable young boy would be easier. It probably explains the appeal of pedophilia, they're probably easier to pick up than most women. But whatever.

So then they go off to some planet to play Ghostbusters. For all intents and purposes, we'll use Abadox as the planet. We'll pretend that this is pre-Abadox when Abadox hadn't been attacked in the events of Abadox in which you infilitrate Abadox in the game Abadox to destroy Abadox.

But yeah, this game's a little morbid at times. Actually it's mostly isolated to the first level and the last boss of the game. If you had only ever played the first level of the game, you would have assumed the rest of the game was a giant bloodbath of death or something.

Here's what I mean:

^{Right, that's totally acceptable for a kids' game.}

Here's where the six year old of the 80s is starting to get a little freaked out. Blood, scary stuff, creepy music. Easily the most blood in any NES game.

The bosses are a bit weird too. But I'll cover them later.

Here's another interesting lesson for little kids in the 80s:

That's right kids!

Ingesting random pills you find on the ground transforms you into a small dragon that can fly and shoot stuff! Be sure to try that today with your mommy's birth control pills! Remember, you don't need to ask permission first.

And now, the main event. BOSS MONTAGE! A perfect way to showcase how fucked up this game is. Giant monsters throwing cows. A cat throwing her kittens! Dancing corpses! SHISH KEBAB!

Clearly the game designers were on something.

And then, THE BIG FINALE!

Well, that's Monster Party for ya: one giant fucking acid trip.

I wish I had a witty way to end this, but I don't. So I'll leave you with this picture of Kim Jong-Il's rapper alter-ego, Lil' Kim.

Two word Snakes on a Plane review:

2006-08-19T16:27:00.000-03:00

HOLY...FUCK

GTA:SA stunt goes horribly wrong.

2006-08-18T16:20:00.000-03:00

Holy wtf.

HE'S HAD IT!

2006-08-17T15:33:00.000-03:00

Forgot to report on this like...over a month ago.

2006-08-15T16:08:00.000-03:00

DELL INSPIRON 6400 (e1505)
-Windows XP Home Edition with SP2 (I'm too lazy to put Pro on it yet)
-Intel Centrino Duo Processor (1.83Ghz)
-1GB RAM
-100GB HDD (5400rpm)
-15.4 inch WXGA LCD (Running 1280x800)
-ATI Mobility Radeon X1300 128mb Video Card (Running Omega drivers)
-8x CD/DVD+-RW Drive
-Four USB ports
-S-Video Out
-Wireless supports 802.11a/b/g

And no, it doesn't fall under the massive Dell battery recall. It's funny though, it's not Dell's fault; it's Sony's. What's more, is HP and Apple use the same Sony batteries. They'd be wise to investigate as well. I know that Mac Powerbooks have been exploding too.

Grand Theft Coke

2006-08-14T13:10:00.000-03:00

Miami Vice: It's sex, but...What just happened?

2006-08-13T12:44:00.000-03:00

So I finally got to see Miami Vice. I had to wait until it was at the Drive-In, because heaven forbid Empire show a movie people actually want to see. "Oh, I know, let's reject Miami Vice and show in it's place, the 32nd computer animated movie this year, the 26th of which featuring animals! People will want to see that for sure!"

I am, of course, referring to Barnyard, The Ant Bully, and Monster House. And from what I'm hearing, Empire might not be showing Snakes on a Plane, which would be fucking suicide because EVERYBODY wants to see that movie. The people who manage both the New Minas and the Bridgewater Empire need to be shot.

Now, being the fan of the 80s that I am, seeing this movie was a pre-requisite, even if the only connections the film had to the TV show were:

-The title of the movie.
-The white guy being named Sonny Crockett (Farrell) and the black guy being named Ricardo Tubbs (Foxx).

I don't recall if they've ever gone undercover in the show, but it would have been nice to have at least one scene where they're speeding in a fancy ass sportscar with the lights flashing, chasing somebody.

The movie felt incomplete, and the ending wasn't as good as it could have been. This is Jamie Foxx's fault. He's got an ego the side of Rosie O'Donnel's ass, and he got scared of all the non-movie gunfire he kept hearing, and packed his shit and left towards the end of production, which meant they had to use footage they already had of him, and for the most part cut Ricardo out of the ending. Plus he wanted top billing, despite the fact that he's clearly playing second fiddle to Colin Farrell.

Then there's the part where Sonny and Isabella go to Havana to have drinks and sex (It was about time, 60 minutes into a Farrell movie and he hasn't had sex yet?), while necessary sorta for the plot, just seemed too long. Sonny's off in Cuba for almost two days with the crime boss' woman, and Ricardo just does what, sit in Florida for two days playing with his nuts? Too much time was wasted with that scene.

Then the whole reason they went undercover in the first place, the leak in the inter-agency task force. What happened with that? They found out which agency had the leak (But Foxx talked too fast that you had no damn idea which day was which agency). And then nothing else happens. I mean I know that they had to deal with the whole drug operations thing, but why doesn't the movie tell us wtf happened with that? It'd be nice if they threw that into the ending. Hell, with Foxx gone, it seemed like the perfect thing to put in in his place.

It's pretty clear at the start of the movie that Jamie Foxx is standing in for Tom Cruise, a la Collateral, what with him effortlessly breaking a bouncer's hand and such, and that Farrell is of course the charmer, but you don't really see any connection between the two characters apart from the two moments where they repeat each other's lines ("There's undercover and then there's which way is up?" "Are you saying I'm in so deep I forgot?" "I'd never doubt you.")

The drug deals are discussed way too fast, and unless you're in the drug business yourself (Or actually played the NARC remake), you wouldn't understand at all what was going on.

The shootout at the end of the movie was confusing. You couldn't tell who was shooting at who because for the most part everybody was wearing black and the camera was too close to tell (Except for that camping cop with the shotgun). It had the oppertunity to be really cool, with Crockett and Tubbs working together, some dramatic musics, but it's just two sets of people shooting at each other, then the cops win.

Which is another thing. What about that drug kingpin? What were they gonna do about him? Just let him escape?

And yeah, the ending wasn't that great. Maybe if Farrell had had sex with Gong Li again, maybe that would have made it a little more positive. Isabella goes away, Tubbs' wife wakes up, and Crockett goes back to work. The circle of life is complete.

I'd give it two and a half stars out of four. It satisfied my basic expectations - Sonny and Tubbs shooting people, fast cars and boats, and explosions. But it didn't go much farther than that.

These guys are partners? They hardly ever look at each other in the movie.

EDIT: According to Rio, I am not to kill the managers. I guess I'm supposed to kill "the bookers for the corporation who decide who purchases and plays which movies, and bookers are retarded."

Great, now when I have my massive homicidal mob ready, instead of saying "DEATH TO THE MANAGERS!", I have to yell "DEATH TO THE BOOKERS WHO DECIDE WHO PURCHASES AND PLAYS WHICH MOVIES, AND BOOKERS ARE RETARDED!"

That takes too long. Like the Havana scenes.

FUCK...THE WHAT?

2006-08-07T12:28:00.000-03:00

Ok, lately I've been trying to get Fever back up, using my old Celeron rig because I don't trust the laptop and wireless with a stream. The only device that sits between the computer and the open world is a Siemens Speedstreams 6520 Wireless ADSL modem/router.

And it's a fucking piece of shit.

First of all, it's loaded up with firmware from my own ISP instead of standard firmware, which means I gotta leap through hoops just to customize it. And despite opening the proper ports (Like I would have done back on my DI-604), you can't access it via the internet.

And I know the stream IS working because I can access it over my LAN.

So I looked for the router on the Siemens site to see if they had any support or say, not Aliant firmware for it, and it's not even listed. And it took me a bit of research until I could find out this interesting tidbit:

Quote:
Siemens SpeedStream 4200 and 6520 modems are only sold in Australia through selected internet providers...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH AN AUSTRALIAN MODEM?!

On top of all that, this thing overheats like a bitch.

Drumroll please.

2006-08-04T15:03:00.000-03:00

The sad thing is that's true.

Fun with Nick and Dave

2006-08-01T23:20:00.000-03:00

TOTALLY NOT INTENDED TO RHYME WITH DICK AND JANE

PiB says:
bird of paradise says:
guess, its something you've never had before lol
PiB says:
Lobster?
bird of paradise says:
YOU'VE NEVER HAD LOBSTER?!
PiB says:
No, didn't I tell you I OBJECT TO EATING INSECTS?
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
lmao.
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
wtf.
PiB says:
Lobsters aren't fish
PiB says:
They're BUGS
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
nope.
PiB says:
They've got antennae eyes
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
still wrong.
PiB says:
lots of legs
PiB says:
chompers
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
nope.
PiB says:
and they bleed bug guts when you run them over
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
theyre crustatians.
PiB says:
I STAND BY MY POSITION
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
YOU DONT HAVE A POSITION.
PiB says:
HOW DARE YOU COME IN HERE AND BARK AT ME LIKE A LITTLE JUNKYARD DOG
PiB says:
I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNTIED STATES
PiB says:
Intentional typo
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
*assassinat'd*
PiB says:
lol
PiB says:
I just had a thought
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
?
PiB says:
What the fuck's in Nebraska?
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
no clue. why?
PiB says:
Lol, I dunno
PiB says:
That and Arkansas
PiB says:
IT'S JUST KANSAS WITH TWO EXTRA LETTERS
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOUR BRAIN.
PiB says:
WE'RE ON TO YOU
PiB says:
YOU RESIDENTS OF ARTOPEKA, ARKANSAS
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
WHAT THE FUCK
PiB says:
HAHAHA
PiB says:
It's like North and South Dakota
PiB says:
Why the fuck did they need two?
PiB says:
Did they shoot the guy after he came up with Arkansas?
PiB says:
And the replacement couldn't think of anything?
PiB says:
I got an idea. South Carolina becomses Ufukistan
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
....I WANT TO SHOOT YOUR BRAIN.
PiB says:
I wonder what the wikipedia article on cheese slices is like
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
.............................
WolferGiga - 1 [Programmer] WTB [Job]. PST. *3DMark06: 627 3dmaks* says:
AAAAAAARGGGGGJLSDFJLSKDJFLKSAJDFLKJSAKDJF

A Very Nonviolent Obsure NES Games Montage

2006-07-31T13:25:00.000-03:00

I got my very first angry comment accusing me of ripping off the Angry Nintendo Nerd. I don't like to think I'm competing with the guy. Frankly, the more NES hilarity on the net, the better. Ultra Games is my punching bag, LJN games is his.

That having been said, we both stole the idea from Masoumi.

DRUNKEN HYDLIDE

2006-07-25T20:29:00.000-03:00

ROLLERGAMES FUCKED IN THE ASS

2006-07-21T23:30:00.000-03:00

HYDLIDE FUCKED IN THE ASS

2006-07-19T00:07:00.000-03:00

Knight Rider - The Hasselhoffening

2006-07-12T13:42:00.000-03:00

If you've never heard of Knight Rider or KITT, fuck off and die.

Knight Rider was a TV show that ran from '82 to '86, starring David Hasselhoff as Michael Knight, who rode in a kickass modified Pontiac Firebird with the AI K.I.T.T. (Knight Industries Two Thousand), solving crimes and blowing shit up. Basically it was the Lone Ranger with a car.

Now for some reason, the now-bankrupt Acclaim decided in 1988 it'd be a good idea to release a game about the show.

^{Coolest NES cover ever.}

Isn't the idea of making a licensed game like that to release it while the TV show/movie's still popular? No wonder they went out of business.

I first played this game when I was like...four or something, I think it was the only NES game we ever rented. I can't remember if I liked it then or not.

I know this - I don't now. This game is retarded on plenty of levels. Where do I begin...

Well for starters, here's the title screen.

^{David Hasslehoff never looked so butch. Seriously.}

Two game types - Mission, and Drive. You'll learn for reasons later that Drive is the better choice. Drive is basically just driving on the levels instead of dealing with most of the crap that you'll deal with in the main game.

So, let's go mission. Oh look, some plot!

^{OH NOES!}

As you could judge from this screen, there are fifteen levels. Sounds impressive, but it isn't. You'll understand why, soon.

I'm gonna be honest - I have no fucking idea what the hell a P.I.V. bomb is. I looked on Wikipedia, and I Googled it, and the only hits I got came back to the game. It probably stands for PUKE IN VAGINA bomb.

So I pick some upgrade for KITT, and let's get going!

^{I liked this game back when it was called RAD RACER!}

Ok, what the fuck is the gas button? A's a gun and B is-WHOOOOA!

^WEEEEEEEEEE!

I guess B is the jump in the fucking air button.

Ok, I found the gas button. It's UP. On the D-Pad. And the brake is down. This is not a good idea. You all know the rectangle D-Pad? Now it's an okay controller, but holding the UP button on your controller for about three minutes is extremely unfuckingcomfortable. I can't think of any other fucking NES game where you'd have to hold the D-Pad down in one direction for an extended period of time. It hurts the thumb goddamnit. Sure it's fine with an emulator, but what were they thinking? There had to be SOME other way to configure the controls so you weren't raping people's left thumb in order to play this stupid game.

[Acclaim Executive] You there! I want you to change the controls so people will increase their chances of getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome!

Now the game plays sorta like Rad Racer, but for starters, Rad Racer didn't use the fucking Up button as the gas. Oh, and it was fun too. With Knight Rider, regardless of mode, you have to be wary of three factors:

-Time
-Shield
-Gas

Shield would relate to how much damage KITT can take before he's toast. But why measure time AND gas?

KITT apparently has the worst fucking mileage of any car in the eighties. Using the super jump drains his gas faster, leading to this problem.

^{I JUST FUCKING FILLED UP FIVE MINUTES AGO!}

Why the hell would you measure time AND gas? Shouldn't the gas be relative to how much time is left? Why the hell is there a timer anyway? How fucking bullshit is it to run out of time, but you've still got gas left? If I'm headed to work and it hits 9AM before I get there, do I just let go of the pedal and wait for my car to drift to a stop, even though I've got a full tank of gas? No! I floor it and fucking get there ASAP. What the fuck is wrong with these developers?

Another problem is the other people driving the cars. They're stupid! They shouldn't have fucking drivers' licenses! They'll weave right in front of you and you hit them and your shield takes damage and you obviously slow way the hell down. And you keep ramming into them because KITT doesn't turn very fast when he's not moving fast, so you KEEP rear ending the asshole, and you can't shoot and destroy the damn car because the penalty for killing a civilian car is six seconds off the clock, and THEN your timer runs out and you still have gas and ^&%&%&$%%

Anyway, the progression of every level goes like this:

1. Pick an upgrade.
2. Kill your thumb pushing Up for three minutes, dodging assholes
3. Kill a boss.
4. Watch Kitt drive past.

The game isn't SO cheap as to make you do the fight with what little shields and gas you probably have left so they replenish those, and then you have to shoot at some vehicle that drives arounds the lanes like a jackass while shooting at you or dropping mines or whatever.

^{HOLD STILL AND LET ME SHOOT YOU!}

If you're playing the first level, the truck just pisses off when it's taken enough damage. On the higher levels, you'll actually destroy the target vehicle. And then this scene cues.

^{GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL!}

And then you're taken back to the briefing where Devon tells you where they went, and the process repeats itself with it's own stupid little plot for the whole game.

And depending on how you fared in the last round, Bonnie says something different. If you're like me, she'll bitch at you about how you put KITT in danger.

^{Oh bitch, bitch, bitch.}

And it'll be like this every single fucking time. Christ, can't we have some variety?

^{THIS is more like it.}

And then in the later levels, the enemy cars (They're red, btw) start adding helicopters to their ranks.

That's a load of bullshit. An enemy that stays on screen and shoots at me until I jump up enough times and drain my gas shooting at it and killing it, or until I hit max speed. And to make matters worse, the boss for the next three levels is an ATTACK HELICOPTER. SHIT ON TACOS.

Fun fact: This game is just like Rollergames! If you die, you get to do the whole fucking level all over again!

And another thing, the game gives you power-ups during the game, which is thank fucking God, but would it kill the game to give you stuff you NEED? Like say, if I'm running out of time, instead of giving me TIME, the game gives me SHIELDS.

If you destroy a yellow car, you get a powerup. Here's the often common sequence of events.

^{Notice the cockbag in the air.}

I am currently low on gas! I hope the game gives me more gas!

R means random, meaning the game still hasn't fucking decided which power up I was gonna get. C'mooon gas...

SHIELDS? YOU BALLSUCKER!

Basically this is the structure of the game's level.

First level of three - Something happened! Chase them!
Second level of three - They got away! Get them!
Third level of three - Stop them! Fucking kill them!

And this repeats until you hit level 15.

I didn't bother to play levels 4 through 15 again, because it's all the same boring stupid shit all over again. Shoot stupid red cars, weave through traffic full of idiots who should NEVER have been issued drivers licenses, and get raped in the ass by bosses packing more heat than the Terminator. Turns out there's a cheat to see the ending: Just hold down select and hit RESET on the NES. This is the actual ending to the game.

^{That's fucking it. No sex, no fancy scenes, NOT EVEN ANY CREDITS.}

This ending sucks. It sucks BALLS. AND ASS. AND RIMJOBS. You know what, I'm gonna edit it so it's better.

So play the fucking Sunday Drive version, so at least then all you have to worry about is the fucking shitheads on the road.

Better yet, don't play this game. At all. It's Rad Racer with guns. And Rad Racer was fun, cause you could see your car and the crashes were fun and the music kicked ass and you didn't have to worry about gas and shields.

So, if you're keeping score, this is the current leaderboard:

THE WORST NES GAME EVER
1. Knight Rider
2. Rollergames
3. Star Voyager
4. Silent Service
5. Monster Party
6. Abadox.

If you must subject yourself to the pure awfulness that is Knight Rider, knock yourself out.

You've been warned.

Ahh, the memories.

2006-07-11T10:29:00.000-03:00

I downloaded this sweet ISO of a CD that contained (approx) 3,500 NES roms on it, and I'm very happy with it. I'll never need to download another rom ever again. This marvelous disc has allowed me to relive some of my favorite moments in NES gaming.

For instance, who could forget Zelda II: The Adventure of Error?

The Adventure of Error follows the quest of a man named Error to save Hyrule from the evil invasion of NES fanboys.

This game contains massive improvements over the original Legend of Zelda, as Error's large girth is sufficent enough to block most projectile attacks. He can use spells such as FART to leap to new heights, and can replenish his health with magic Burritos!

^{Sadly, most of the women in Hyrule will refer to him this way.}

Can you save Hyrule and win enough fame to get sex from all the women?

Another cult classic is of course, the timeless Wilford Brimley Battle.

Wilford Brimley has a problem! Liberty Medical revoked his medicare policy, and now he has no money for his diabeties medication! On top of that, a shadowy organization has created an evil clone of Dr. Kellogg, and seeks to use him to take over New Jersey!

^{GIMME YO LAXADIVES BITCH!}

Wilford gets hungry too, so be sure to give him his daily dosage of whining at young people!

^{And that's how I got my colonoscopy!}

Nobody can forget Pac Man, even with the help of therapy. It is one of the most recognized games in the world, where you race the clock to save Ms. Pac-Man before the time runs out!

Of course, several sequels followed, including Pac Man Country, Ms. Pac Man Racing, and Pac Manga.

Finally, did you know there was a release of the Mac OS to the NES? It's true!

Of course, it locks up immediately, just like real Macintosh!

Mission: Impossible - The Ultra Game that DOESN'T suck.

2006-07-10T16:06:00.000-03:00

Today's article is a deviation from the current rash of NES game bashing that has been going on here lately. Today I'm going to praise an obscure game.

Now, had this been any other game company that made it, I wouldn't bother. But we're talking about Ultra Games. Even though most of their games were developed by Konami and distributed as Ultra Games, they just had the horible knack of being stuck with most of the bad ones. Notice how Contra, Castlevania, and Blades of Steel are marketed under Konami, but Rollergames, Snake's Revenge, and TMNT1 are all Ultra Games?

Anyway, the game in question is Mission:Impossible. Probably developed by Konami, distributed in the US under Ultra Games and in the UK under Palcom software.

^{Note how the characters don't look mentally retarded, like the Snake's Revenge cover.}

Like most Ultra Games, they manage to give you a little wiff of the game's actual plot in the start of the game. Konami of America had to have their way with the game's plot in the manual as well, but they don't mess it up so bad as the other ones because it's actually humerous, while not raping the story.

Not since the cheesy Limberger Case has a kidnapping attracted as much attention as the abduction of Doctor "0". It seems this world-acclaimed genius behind the U.S. military defense system was enjoying the breakfast of braincells (powdered eggs and grape juice), when he and his fetching secretary, Shannon, were mercilessly snatched by the Sinister Seven. Unknown to the Sinister Seven is the startling fact that Shannon - although a very able stenographer - is really an agent from the Impossible Mission Force (IMF), assigned to protect the good Doctor. Using all her skill and cunning. She has managed to send a secret code cluing you in on where they're being held.

But before you and your team of special agents start high-fiving each other. You'll have to go hand-to-hand with scum like Slash Stiletto and Jean Claude Killer. And you must slink your way through Six murderous mazes, from underground warfare off the coast of Cyprus to hand grenade ski runs in the Swiss Alps. Also included in these killer mazes are untold numbers of Espionage Zones!

Before you yodel "Uncle", remember that you have control of three different spy identities - Max, Grant and Nicholas. Each has special talents up his sleeve (like quick-change disguises and remote control bombs) which you'll need to stay alive amid the acid flames, poisonous gas chamhers and much, much more!

So go ahead, Jimbo. Put your life on the line and accept this seemingly impossible mission. Or else the good Doctor will be tortured into spilling the top-secret beans about the U.S. military defense system (meaning you can watch the planet go up in a mushroom-shaped puff of smoke a week from Tuesday).

The Sinister Seven still sounds a shitload more dignified than Vermon CaTaffy and Higharolla Kockamemie. The cheesy enemy names that are referred to in the plot and other parts of the manual are just for comedic value, they're not mentioned in the game. Because this isn't Metal Gear, we can forgive it.

Here's the plot as presented in the game. Surprisingly, Mission: Impossible was well-localized and does not, I repeat, does not suffer from ENGRISH. Looks like the developers finally took a hint.

^{Although I suppose you could yell about the disown/disavow change.}

The game starts off on a street. If you wanted to be specific, it's Moscow, but it's really not important. And you learn very early on in that it's not a street just for cosmetic's sake.

^{One of the most amusing deaths I've ever had in a game.}

So be sure to look both ways and listen for a car horn if you wanna cross the street. You'll also learn that you're not supposed to attack the people walking along unless they shout out "YOU!" and start running after you.

^{We've got a 10-64, black guy assaulting an old lady, requesting SWAT assistance, over.}

This game is a stealth-action game that succeeds where Snake's Revenge failed horribly. Your character is capable of eight-directional movement, and there are hardly any Alert Status moments. Guards locations are fixed, and if you kill them, they don't come back for more. Plus, except for a special circumstance, the enemies don't call for backup, so if you want you can sneak around, or you can just kick the crap out of everybody, it's up to you. Obviously picking your battles fares better.

There are three playable characters in this game, each with their own attack and ability, and using them effectively is the key to success in this game.

^{Showing off their A and B button moves.
And before you ask; No. You can't have them all on-screen at once.}

If you want to be techncial, their names are Max Harte, Grant Collier, and Nicholas Black. But you'll probably know them as Slow Guy With Gun, Fast Black Guy, and Guy With Disguise. Max packs an M16 and has a set number of C4 explosives he can plant and detonate remotely, but he walks slowly and is not ideal for sneaking or evasive manouvers. Grant uses his fist as his weapon, and has a set number of stun grenades for freezing enemies for a short period of time. He runs the fastest, making him ideal for sneaking and getting from Point A to Point B. Nicholas throws boomerangs (He's Australian), and can don a disguise to fool enemies into not attacking. It sounds fancy, but it's not executed as well as it sounds.

^{Apparently if you change your suit color, the enemies don't suspect a thing.}

It would have been more believable had he transformed into an enemy, but oh well. The disguise works for about five seconds. It's handy if you need to get around an enemy ambush and take them out from a better vantage point, but don't expect to run through the game just mashing the B button, he only gets five of those.

You can change characters on the fly by pressing Start, then scrolling left and right to the desired character. Different characters are suited better for different situtions. For example, in this simple sneaking situation, Grant is preferable because it's a tight close area with simple enemies, and his attack is better suited.

^{You'll need to flip switches in areas to deactivate security systems and stuff in order to advance.}

Nicholas could also work in that situation. He could don a disguise, take out the enemies that matter, and flick the switch. Max would make a lousy choice, his poor speed and lack of a decent close quarters weapon would get him raped (Unless you wasted his C4).

Here's a situation best suited for Max.

^{Flaming assholes!}

These bad guys throw molotov cocktails, and you'll lose half the total amount of health for a hit of it. Nick can shoot at them from a safe distance with his M16. He's great for sniping baddies.

The graphics are actually well done, and virtually none of the horrible vertical/horizontal lines that plagued the floors of SR. There are six levels in total: Four regular levels, and two transit stages.

This one reminds me of Moonraker...

^{Warzone in Venice.}

And this one reminds me of every James Bond ski chase.

^{OUTTA MY WAY!}

The Venice Chase is pretty easy, but you'll die a lot on the ski chase. You'll start back at the beginning of it, but the level's about two minutes long, so it's not such a setback.

When all three of your operatives are defeated, the game is over. You'll start back at the begining of the level. Again, since the levels aren't so so long, it's not a gigantic setback, and depending on how much you've learned about the level, isn't so hard to recover from.

There are some of the routine tasks you'll have to accomplish in each level - flip most of the switches, and obtain a set of keycards to get through a restricted access door. There are two people usually a small distance away from each other who either hold the cards or will sound the alarm. If you find the right guy, he gives you the keycards. You leave the room, and a little cutscene cues where you replace the photos on the IDs with your own.

^{Gee, the Sinister Seven must be one big happy family.}

This seems more symbolic than anything else, because with the possible exception of Nicholas in disguise, you're not trying to pass yourself off as the enemy.

If you come across the wrong guy, the alarm sounds and weird guys with big arms try to kill you. Stunning them and punching them out as Grant, or using the C4 as Max are the best strategies.

There are two common enemy types, ones who melee attack, and ones with guns. You can distinguish them easily because the melee ones are green, and the ones with guns are purple.

^{This allows you to better plan your strategy.}

There are also Metal Gear-ish sneaking moments, where a room will be monitored by robotic sentries. If they spot you, they'll sound the alarm. Usually they'll be guarding a switch or a vital person or area.

^{Their path is usually easy to predict.}

There are six levels, so naturally there's five easy passwords to remember, one for each level that isn't the first one. They're only four letters long, too (I know KMVW is the third one and TVJL is the fifth...), so they're not a pain in the ass to put in. You can just turn the game on, punch them in, and go.

All in all, Mission: Impossible proves that even a stinker like Ultra Games can pull out a decent game. Notice the singular of the word "game".

Regular game bashing will resume shortly.

Rollergames, And You Thought I Was Making This Shit Up Before

2006-07-08T12:37:00.000-03:00

It's obviously not funny to only make fun of a game's gameplay, but also, the context of it all and the plot. Speaking of which, I actually found the plot to Rollergames:

Get ready to be rocked, rattled and rolled!

Short on funds for a worldwide terrorist blitz, the underground criminal organization VIPER (Vicious International Punks and Eternal Renegades) has infiltrated RollerGames - the most popular sport of the 21st century. With their greedy sights set on the games' mega prize money, they've corrupted three skating teams and abducted the games' beloved commissioner, Emerson "Skeeter" Bankhead. Now, somewhere beneath the city, he sits bound and gagged, at the mercy of these cowardly creeps.

The CIA and FBI lack the speed, cunning and sheer brute force for this job. So it's up to you and your own three teams of free-wheeling skate wizards to rescue the commissioner and stop VIPER from unleashing its venom on the entire city. This is one fight that cannot be fought like a gentleman. You're going to have to take it to the streets, the sewers, the junkyards - just about any place your eight wheels can go (and even a few places they can't).

But even your cat-like reflexes won't guarantee success as you choose and lead your teams through the six muscle-aching stages, all peppered with dastardly deathtraps. Open manholes, greasy oil slicks, combat helicopters and blood-thirsty dogs are just a few of the dangers that await you.

Of course, you'll also have to punch and body slam your way past chop happy judo masters, skateboard thugs, motorcycle madmen and more.

And considering the odds of survival, now might be a good time to hang up your skates and bow out gracefully. But remember, the lives of thousands are hanging in the balance. And if you choose to accept this job and fall flat somewhere along the way, you can count on VIPER to roast your ball bearings for dinner!

I would really like it if I could contact somebody at Ultra Games and have them explain to me how Three People On Rollerskates > CIA + FBI. I'd say four Chevy Tahoes full of FBI agents packing Sig Sauers could kick the shit out of any group of vicious international punks / eternal renegades, especially if these are just idiots on rollerskates.

I can't fucking believe it. Ultra Games just topped the whole Vermon CaTaffy/Higharolla Kockamemie shit they pulled with Metal Gear and Snake's Revenge. This has to be the dumbest fucking plot for a video game EVER. I mean I know Abadox and Star Voyager had stupid plots, but that was in space and in the future, in some fucking dimension they could have been plausable. But this is just fucking shitbullfuckasstits.

You know, if I was a terrorist and I was looking to kidnap somebody so as to extort a lot of money out of them, "Commissioner of a Crappy American Rollerskating Program" would not make the Top 10. I mean, how much money would a commissioner have? He just fucking works for them. He doesn't OWN the company. If you wanna make a shitload of money, you kidnap Oil Execs, Saudis, Bill Gates, or Warren Buffett. Jesus Christ. This has to be the worst display of logic anybody could display. What is this, Red Vs Blue? When Sarge gets shot in the head, Griff gives him CPR?

Cat-fucking-reflexes are right. There is no fucking way anybody could possibly beat this game without Game Genie codes and/or savestates. I mighta gotten to the third stage when I played it honestly five years ago, but that'd be about as far as I would have gotten. And if you thought the first article was full of bullshit, well you ain't seen nothing yet.

I've elected to skip the second set of levels because frankly, you've seen that kind of stupid bullshit before. Basically I beat up a turbanhead. I say turbanhead in the sense that "he had a turban on his head". He didn't look very middle-eastern, he just had a turban on his head, hence, turbanhead. So if you were gonna accuse me of being a racist bastard, fuck off and die.

So, let's pick up after Mister McTurbanhead. I'm on another broken down looking freeway, and it's mostly the same shit as the first one. Then this happens:

^{If this isn't worthy of calling out "WHAT THE FUCK?", nothing is.}

Now I was listening to Springtime for Hitler at the time, so I don't know if I was supposed to hear that truck approaching, so I can't chaulk that up as entirely the game's fault, I suppose. It was a little more plausable than that chopper, I suppose. So this "boss" just throws Everybody's Favorite Fucking Orange Barrels At You For About Two Minutes And Really All You Need To Do Is Hide In The Lower Left Corner And Jump Maybe Once Every Ten Seconds to beat it.

^{So THAT'S where the game's barrels have been coming from.}

So in contrast, this is probably the easiest part of the game, besides choosing which team to join. I'm thinking somebody in the developers section said "This game is too difficult! Let's unload a super easy boss halfway through the game so if anybody makes it that far by the grace of Jesus, it'll count as a break!" And since the growing pile of bodies doesn't seem to be serving as well a deterrent as they thought it would, for speaking in English, this developer is also executed.

So anyway, I come up on the next gang level.

^{Sounds kinda pussy for a "Violator"}

Unfortunately, there is no 8-bit sex forced upon the Hot Flash skater I've been using predominately in this game.

So far I've been in urban areas, which seemed to make sense. So how completely random is it now that I wind up in the fucking AMAZON?

^{No, not the Amazon with Mien Kampf on sale.}

The first part of the Amazon is pretty straightforward. Beat up people, leap some gaps, etc. It's when you get inside of a cave that things become unfuckingbelievable.

Now the first problem with this is you're on a very thin platform. Basically turning around is an instant deathwish because to turn around, the skater circles around. Now this screenshot doesn't do it completely justice, but as you skate along without a care in the world, the platform starts to crumble ahead of you.

Now, one of these would be simple enough to get around. But here's the problem.

^BULLSHIT!

All of those gaps only appear when you're about three feet away (in game terms) from them. You're guarenteed to fall in at least ONE of them every time (If you're not using savestates). What makes this sequence worse is if you fall off, you start back here:

^SHITFUCK!

Now if you managed to get this far, you're already hurting for spare lives. And unless you have the sequence fucking memorized like Sean Connery in The Rock, there ain't no fucking way you're getting past that without a game over. And that's about a half hour down the fucking toilet.

Anyway, let's pretend this is going really well and I make it out of there. I get back into the Amazon, but now I'm skating along docks, and I'm skating up hills and-...wait. WAIT. SKATING UP HILLS?

How the fuck do you go up a hill when you've got four wheels strapped to each of your feet? The only conceivable way you could do that for real was if you had momentum of about a hill twice as long as the one you were going up (which you don't have), because otherwise you'd just fucking start sliding down and falling into the water and throwing the controller.

Oh, I know why you can do it in the game! Because it's BULLSHIT!

Anyway, here's the really fun part: Moving platforms!

Now, I explained this in the last article, you're on rollerskates. So when you land a jump, you don't stop, you keep going for a little bit. Which means if you hit these platforms anywhere at halfway and further, you're already dead. You just slide into the fucking ocean. What you WANT to do is land just on the front of the raft so you just carefully slide towards the very edge of it.

^{Heeeeeeeelp! I'm a girl; I'm topheavy!}

And if you just do a standing jump, you can't move far worth a shit because you jump as fast as you're currently travelling. So then this happens:

^BULLSHIT!

It would truely have killed these people to include some kind of "hanging mode" like there is in other games when you barely land on a platform.

And then another easy as hookers boss, just kick the guy when he jumps over the bridge on his jetski.

So then, we forgo another fucking highway stage and get right to the evil head of P.E.N.I.S, I suppose.

^{Worse? How could this game get any worse?!}

The first part of this level isn't so bad. It's kind of a maze, and there's more barrels, and- WAIT.

^{There goes the truck theory.}

I have a new theory. Rollergames is VR. And barrels are triggered by the player thinking "Hey, the coast is clear!". Every time you think that, the Arsenal AI goes and drops barrels ahead of you.

Then you get through the maze and you come out in THIS room:

^{The original Prince of Persia would shit himself.}

So watch out! If you're even slightly offside in your moving, this happens!

I'm disappointed, really. If I'm going to die by jumping into a spike bed every ten seconds, it should at LEAST look gruesome.

^{Like that.}

This isn't as bullshit as the cave part, but it's longer, so it's equally bad. I'd like to share one moment of bullshit with you. It's the culmination of three things I've bitched about: Barrels, Spikes, and Upward Hills. I'm not going to describe it, I just want you to see it.

^{The Winner of the Biggest Bullshit Moment In Rollergames}

The only upside to this place is if you die, you at least start back at the beginning of the spike room, and not back at the maze.

So anyway, after enough save states and crazy jumping across spike pits, I make it to the end of it!

^{If Ed McMahon is not behind this door holding $100,000,000 for me, I'm going to kill somebody.}

Actually, that door leads to the Lair Of The Head Of VIPER. Clearly if he could afford a setup this fancy, then I don't fucking know why they kidnapped the commissioner of Rollergames. Maybe THAT's where all their terrorist money went - Interior design and blasted Rugrats videos!

So you jump a few gaps and you fight some goons in a setting kinda like whenever Shao Khan is in the background in Mortal Kombat.

^{I've been playing this game for an hour now and I'm pissed beyond all comprehension, BRING IT YOU BITCHES!}

Then you kill the goons. And the guy in the shadows becomes pissed.

OH FUCK! IT'S GANDHI! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!

^{He's back. And this time, he's mad.}

So I kill Gandhi. And then The Worst Fucking Ending Not Made By LJN In The History Of Video Gaming, And I Say LJN Because They Made The NES Game Of The Karate Kid And If You've Seen The Ending Of That, After Playing That Hard As Tits Game And Only Seeing A Fat Fucking Chinese Fucker Wink, You're Ready To Kill Your Dog, appears.

Dot. Dot. Dot.

You mean to tell me I just jumped a shitload of gaps, took out stupid ass bosses and evaded instant death traps, and MY REWARD FOR IT IS AN ANNOUNCER TALKING FUCKING ENGRISH?!

This ending would have been great if they ended right after they showed you the group shot of the guy. But noo, they cue this News Anchor or something who makes about as much sense as an immigrant without a medical degree trying to explain how to peform a vasectomy.

I mean, christ! The endings to Monster Party and Abadox were stupid, but at least THEY MADE SENSE!

There is one thing to think about though. With a video game this bad, is it any wonder that Rollergames isn't around anymore?

Rollergames - A buncha bullshIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.......

2006-07-06T22:40:00.000-03:00

It's so easy to take a shot at Ultra Games. Their name is it's own contradiction. Their games are anything but. So far I've discussed their port of Silent Service, which wasn't entirely bad, you just need a second controller to move the periscope around, plus due to memory constraints or something, only four torpedoes could be in the water at once. And if the Japs already fired four at you, you're fucked.

Anyway, next up on the executioner's block: Rollergames, another game by the bastard lovechild of Konami, Ultra Games. This game I borrowed from a guy about four years ago, I can't remember why. I just remembered it being really stupid.

^{You'll be seeing this title screen a lot.}

Before giving you any context, let's let the game try to explain it.

^...

So many things wrong with that, where to start...

Ok. First of all, 3 Rough Teams have kidnapped the Owner. Owner, owner of...what? Do they mean that ever wonderful teh_pwnerer from Pure Pwnage?

^{I r teh_pwnerer & i pwn this game lol}

Furthermore, the 3 good teams can ONLY save the owner. It's not "Only the 3 good teams can save the owner", as in "Only they can peform this task!", it's "They are capable of ONLY this task". So if the three good teams come upon an old lady asking for help across the street, they'll say "Sorry, all we can do is save the owner" as the old lady gets hit by a mac truck?

Would it have killed them to invite a random tourist into the development lab and asked him "Could you please proofread this for me?". And of course, it's illegal for Japanese developers to talk in English, so he's executed on the spot.

Ok, time for some precious, precious context. Near as I can tell, Rollergames was some kind of rollerskating fight race thing in the eighties where you raced around a track beating up everybody else in order to place first. And instead of actually playing that as a game (My God, that actually sounded like fun!), you have to embark on some kind of really stupid fucked up quest to get the Owner of Rollergames back from the three stables that kidnapped him for fuck knows why.

Let's assume that this is kind of like wrestling, and three groups of bad guys kidnapped Vince McMahon outside of storylines. Ok...why did they do that? Are they trying to get fired? Are they trying to extort him? Or are they just fucked in the head?

Ok, so reasons aside, you have to go through the game fighting off random thugs and bosses and deathtraps until you save the owner, at which I'm sure I'll be rewarded with a really bad Engrish ending.

^{Most Engrish having work}

Ok, stop everything.

Assuming Rollergames was a US gameshow in the eighties, wouldn't they try to make it so it didn't look like this was created by Japs with an english dictionary up their asses (even though that was the case)?

Anyway, so I can choose which team I want to "join". Now apparently, if I join the "T-Birds" I gain about 200 pounds and become a Vader Time-esque heavyweight. If I join "Hot Flash", I get a sex change and become a hot pixilated babe with pink hair. And if I join "Rockers" I become a mulleted sex icon of the eighties.

Now if I was choosing which team to control, this would make a fuckload more sense.

Ok, let's start the game! Oh no! North Korea is threatening me!

^{I have...Arec Bardwrin.}

And then I prompt a screen with a little HUD that looks in no way ripped off from Mega Man.

^{Nope, not the same health bar at all.}

Ok, let's go! And.........

Wow, I think I broke the land speed record for getting killed in a video game.

There are several things you learn about the gameplay of Rollerball very quickly. It's retarded. It's harder than Abadox. I am not making this up. It is very easy to die in this game. It's about as equally cheap as Abadox, but it's still worse. Why?

#1. No matter where you die in a level, you always go back to the start. There are no midpoints.
#2. There are also no CONTINUES. Three lives (Plus ones gained from score) and that's it. It doesn't matter if by some miracle of fuck you get to the last level and get killed at the last boss, THERE ARE NO CONTINUES MY FRIEND. I'm thinking Revolver Ocelot got the idea for that in MGS1 by playing Rollergames.
#3. This game loves to kill you. It loves to make you scream "BULLSHIT!".

Observe:

That was bullshit! That pothole sucked me in! Let's get an instant replay!

This is not a good game to be playing in the company of family or the extremely elderly.

Anyway, what you haven't seen is the random thugs that pop out and I have to punch them to kill them, otherwise I take damage and fall over. Another thing that isn't evident from these caps is that since my character is on rollerskates, they don't exactly stop on a dime. So you'll find you almost overshoot some of your jumps, only to slide off the edge and into the abyss. Which is BULLSHIT!

^{A premise to the greatest gangbang in 8-bit history.}

Every now and then the screen focusses on an area and you have to pound the crap out of a bunch of harder thugs before you can advance. Now in normal games this would be considered a midpoint after defeating them, but noooo. We're Ultra Games bitch, we're gonna make sure you WORK for your shitty Engrish ending!

Oh, and another thing:

^{Ducking Fonkey Kong.}

This game loves its barrels. It loves to spawn them out of nowhere. Sometimes, they'll spawn towards you just ahead of a gap, leaving you to wonder "Well how the fuck did they just spontaniously appear like that?" Man, shit in Final Fantasy makes more sense than this.

^{Who the fuck wastes good oil these days as graffiti?}

You may have noticed by now that all the timers seem locked at about the same time. At this point I decided that the only way anybody could get anywhere in this game was by cheating or using savestates. I elected to use both.

WARNING! WARNING! BULLSHIT IMMINENT!

^{That's about five and a half WTFs right there.}

It seems there are enemies who throw grenades who are capable of blowing a fuck deep hole in the ground. Fortunately I think these guys are limited to this and another level. But they STILL SUCK ASS and they're CHEAP AS FUCK SHIT SALT TITS.

Anyway, so I catch up with Kim Jong Il.

I kill his bitches. So he sends a bigger guy after me.

I kill him too. Then the most WTF-worthy thing happens:

^HADOKEN!

I totally did not edit that. At all. No sireee. Anyway, Kim gets pissed and comes at you flailing his arms like a jackass and you get to kill him, which I guess is the end of the "BAD ATTITUDE" roster.

^{WAY OF EXPRESS PRESENT AFTER}

So for the next level I choose to JOIN THE ROCKERS LOL. It's a pretty basic level, just survive along a freeway that looks sorta like the intro stage from Mega Man X.

There's random construction shit laying about, that's commonplace for a freeway.

Rolling barrels, those are pretty common too.

People on hogs trying to kill me, I suppose that's a given.

Flame bursts from holes in the guard rails, those are perfectly normal.

Then of course there's a chopper trying to drop bombs on you, nothing fishy about that.

Anyway, I have to dodge bombs for about two minutes, then the chopper just pisses off. Why does it piss off? Did he run out of bombs? Why didn't he just crash into me and kill me anyway?

^{A WINNER IS ME!}

Anyway, this marks the end of the first of a three-part miniseries delving into the atrocity known as Ultra Games' Rollergames. I'll leave you with a preview of the next installment:

There's a whole shitload more where that came from.

Silent Service, a game about....love?

2006-07-06T10:08:00.000-03:00

Some of you may wonder why I'm not continuing my discussion of Star Voyager. To that I say: Well wah wah waaaah. Why don't you write your OWN blog entry tearing Star Voyager a new one!

Actually, the thing with games like Star Voyager is for the most part, they're slow paced. Warp to planet, find nothing, warp to planet, find nothing, gas up, warp to planet, find nothing, warp to planet, warp into black hole, repeat.

So needless to say you could only write so much about a basic, slow game. But I'll probably find more to bitch about this next title:

^{AAAH! AN ULTRA GAME! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!}

Yes, the dreaded logo of the Konami/Nintendo bastard love child, Ultra Games. For the stupid, Ultra Games was a subsidiary of Konami, who created games to get around Nintendo of America's "quality control" regulations. See, to avoid the crappy game influx that caused the video game crash in the early eighties, NoA thought "Hey, what if we Nazi the market and make it so third party companies can only release five games a year for our system? Then in theory, the games won't suck so hard! Muahahaha!" And since Konami was churning out games way faster than that for the Famicom, they made Ultra Games to make their other games.

Why and how Nintendo Nazi'd the market is a story for another day, so stop whining.

ANYWAY, where was I? Oh yes.

^{AAAH! AN ULTRA GAME! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!}

Silent Service is a game originally created by MicroProse for the PC. Ultra Games ported the game to the NES.

Silent Service is a game about the US Pacific Submarine Force in WW2, which was also nicknamed "Silent Service". Basically this game is all about blowing up Japanese boats, which is kind of ironic seeing as a Japanese developer handled this port. Did they ever ask themselves during the development, "Is it right of us to deal with a game that encourages the player to destroy the war efforts of my homeland?" And again, because this was not spoken in Japanese, the developer was executed.

Right, so, let's hit the start button...

^{Wow, three types of elements!}

Well, since I'm not prepared to be raped by a squadron of Japanese Destroyers, I think I'll go with the practice option.

^{Well, that's descriptive.}

Y'know, I think I'm gonna hit this button that looks like a zoom feature.

Hmm, that's a little bit better. I am now off the coast of some godforsaken island that looks like Alf getting fucked in the ass. Now it doesn't seem like I can proceed with the killing of unmanned boats from this menu, so let's hit select-...

^{Hey, it's Ed Rooney!}

Why is there only one guy in this submarine? And why isn't he dressed for the occasion? Now I've seen Down Periscope and The Hunt for Red October countless times, but I don't think you can effectively pilot a submarine with ONE PERSON.

I can see it now, just like a horrible SNL skit. The guy'll be standing at the periscope, then scream "TORPEDO CLOSING!". Then the guy will run over to the map part and say "200 METRES AND CLOSING!" Then he'll run back to the periscope just as he gets hit and screams "AAAAH!!!! DIRECT HIT! DAMAGE REPORTS!" Then he'll run down into that little hatch, look around, and say towards the periscope, "DECKS FOUR AND FIVE ARE FLOODING SIR!" Then he'll run BACK to the periscope and yell "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" and basically all stupid chaos ensues until he manages to tell himself that the boat is sinking, and then individually tells every one of his apparent split-personality crew members to ABANDON SHIP!

In the Navy. ANYWAY, as Franz Liekband would say, "This is no good, I'm not killing anybody!". Let's look through the periscope.

^{Tank her? I don't even know her! -Rimshot-}

A fake Japanese tanker! Presumably carrying rice balls and other stereotypical Japanese food for the war effort! Let's close in on it. -Runs over to the map chair- AYE SIR!

ALL STOP! SILENT RUNNING!

And now, to recreate the Falklands.

^{The worst rice-related environmental disaster in history.
The sad part? That's about as fast as the torpedos went.}

HAHAHA, TAKE THAT YOU EMPTY DEFENSELESS JAPANESE SHIPS! Let's close in on another one.

[At Periscope] SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE APPROACHING TOO FAST!

-Runs over to map-

[At Map] Why do you keep telling ME to slow the boat down? It's the guy at the guages who handles that!

-Runs to the periscope-

[At Periscope] Why didn't anybody tell me I was making an idiot of myself?

-Runs to the damage hole

[At Damage Control] We didn't want to embarass you sir!

-Ship begins shaking violently. Runs to periscope-

SHIT!

And as I sit here, watching myself argue with myself, I'm left to wonder...where did the system fail?

We interrupt regularily scheduled NES bashing to bring you these special reports:

2006-07-04T11:28:00.000-03:00

Dr. Ashen investigates!

The PopStation

Neo Double Games

The GameStation

Star Voyager - Moses's Big Adventure

2006-07-02T12:11:00.000-03:00

Everybody has their own version of Abadox. I'm not saying that you all physically own copies of Abadox in your closets. It's a fucking metaphor you idiots. You all have at least one old game that you've owned for X number of years that you've never beaten, and the fact of which will haunt you for the rest of your life.

This next game I'm going to discuss is different from the other two, in the sense that I actually own this game. But like Monster Party, I first played it abroad, and like Abadox, I've never beaten it. Ever.

The game is called Star Voyager. It was developped by ASCII Corp., produced by Acclaim, and licensed by Nintendo. And yes, it truely would have killed ASCII to give Star Voyager any sort of title screen. But I will give them credit, it's a catchy ass theme song.

Now before I go any further, again, shouldn't games have actual title screens? Does this really constitute a title screen? This just a little credit thing. Lots of NES games have those, but then they have a title screen. Captain Skyhawk does. Solar Jetman does. Even Abadox does (Albeit in reverse). They couldn't give us a title screen with a fancy ass pixilated space ship and a guy giving thumbs up and making the game look cool?

Well, they sorta did part of that. If you let the title screen idle for about two minutes, the "title screen" pisses off and this space ship shows up (presumably yours). And then the pilot opens the canopy and fucking stands up, and starts to wave.

^HEIL!

Now I for one have never been in space. I have however, visited Epcot Center twice, which fully qualifies me to criticize the following: Why the fuck did you open your canopy while flying in space, and stand up, in space, and start waving, in space? There are so many things wrong with this! First of all, unless his boots are strapped both to his feet and to the floor, wouldn't he fall out? If you watch this sequence, the stars are moving towards the screen, implying that his ship is flying pretty fast in reverse. Plus...SPACE! THERE'S NO FUCKING AIR IN SPACE! Why would you just randomly blow open your cockpit to wave like an idiot for 20 seconds, in REVERSE?

I'm getting ahead of myself, but if this guy is indicative of the people I have to save in this game, no wonder they're so fucked up.

So anyway, I hit start, and this little scene of the idiot, described previously, getting into his ship. You may be asking yourself, "Why is he getting into that space craft that looks like the aeronautics version of a fucking Model-T?" To that I say, "Hey, if the game doesn't want to tell me the storyline, then damned if I'm going to give a shit about it at this point."

So anyway, I launch, and I get this HUD

^{Clearly the guage on the right supports gay marriage}

Now, you see, with Abadox, if you played the game long enough and memorized every single enemy spawn point, you could predict the entire game. Star Voyager is unique in that the playing field is different every game, so no two rapes are the same! Fun!

For example, one round the field looked like this:

Another time, it looked like this:

And another time, it looked like this:

^{Uh oh.}

Now because this is your first time playing the game, you fiddle with the controls a bit. You figure out that start pauses the game, A fires lasers, holding B speeds up your ship, and select opens up that menu shown above. If you tinker at it even more, you discover that you can warp to other sectors like in Star Trek. Fun! I think I'm gonna go warp over to that thing that looks like a plus sign!

Now becase you have no fucking clue how the warp system works, you warp individually from sector to sector until you get to the plus sign. Then your little CNN news ticker displays this tidbit of helpful info:

^{"Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1!" "NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!"}

FUUUUUCK! BLACK HOLE! PAANICCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!11111111 You fire up your warp engine and try to get the fuck back out of there. And just before it gets all fired up, you kinda woosh forward. Phew, did I make it? Wait, the screen's flashing a bit. Now what?

^{PIIIIIIIIIISS!}

Game fucking over. You're stuck in a fucking black hole. And this isn't like any other game over. No, this game over hurts. This game over will hurt you. This isn't a little "Game over, wanna play again?" screen with cute music playing like in Abadox. This is a blunt, "GAME OVER" screen with music, so remorseful, that you shut off the NES, run away crying, and don't come out of bed for a week.

This is a sick, twisted game over that should be used for terrorist interrogations. Just loop this scene over and over and they'll tell you anything to get you to stop it.

Anyway, I think it's now time for some context. I stole this description from the game's manual:

The Place: Spiral Galaxy IX

The Problem: A flotilla of Molok Wardrivers are holding your temporary home, CosmoStation Noah, captive.

You and your people never wanted any trouble. You had boarded CosmoStation Noah in an attempt to flee a Galaxy whose sun was quickly dying.

Your hope was to find a new home. In a Galaxy whose sun was young and strong.

But suddenly - as you entered Spiral Galaxy IX - all hope began to dwindle. For you were confronted with one of the most ruthless astral terrorist groups in the universe: the Molok Wardrivers.

The Molok Wardrivers are renowned for their total disrespect for anything but rampant destruction. And they need no provocation to be driven into action.

Fortunately, the planners of CosmoStation Noah had thought to include the RH 119 in their inventory of equipment.

The RH 119 is one of the most supra-tech space vehicles ever designed. And it's equiped with Laser Cannons, Barrier Shields, a Life Support System and Adam, a fully-integrated bio-computer.

The thing is, there were only a handful of CosmoStation Noah inhabitants trained to work with Adam. And one of them was you.

After a series of stringent tests - for reflexes, endurance, intelligence and physical and psychological strength - you were chosen from all the rest.

And now it is your job to leave the CosmoStation and go meet the enemy. All hope rides in your hands.

I am not a religious man. In fact, as a child, I was disgusted that a book I took out at the library entitled "Genesis" had nothing to do with the Sega console. But doesn't this story sound a little...Jewy? This kinda sounds like Noah's Ark (Book of Genesis) and Moses and his peoples in the desert (Book of I Don't Fucking Know). Also, the original title of this game was "Cosmo Genesis". Did they change the name to abide by Nintendo of America's strict rules against religion in games, or did Star Voyager just sound cooler?

Again, I am not a religious person, and my comprehension of any religious stuff I refer to in this article spawns from reading the Wikipedia entry on "Book of Genesis" for like five minutes, and an episode of Rugrats where the little brats retell the story of Moses and his bitches.

So, in this story, CosmoStation Noah would be the Ark, the RH 119 would be Moses, and the "Molok Wardrivers" (Henceforth to be referred to as "Klingons") are, for lack of a better comprehension, the Jehova's Witnesses.

Now, from our previous soul crushing experience in Star Voyager, something named "ADAM" (Acronym for "A Damn Apple Macintosh") never came into play. Wait a minute...Space thingies with AIs? ZONE OF THE BENDERS! Maybe ADAM and ADA should have sex.

Wait, wasn't Adam somebody important in the book of Genesis, too? Oh! Yeah! He was the first male in the world to be screwed over by admitting the truth. And that is why guys always lie. Because we got fucked in the beginning by telling the truth, and damned if we're going to screw ourselves out of ANOTHER Eden.

Where the fuck was I? Ok, so basically this is my list of mission objectives:

MISSION OBJECTIVES:
1. Kill all the Jehova's Witnesses.

And it seems to me the ways I can screw this up are:

1. My ship blows up.
2. I get sucked into another fucking black hole.
3. The Jehova's Witnesses convert my Jews.

Alright! So, let's look at the map again.

Simple enough! Let's go on over to one of those quadrants with the bad guys and kick some ass!

ABOUT TEN INDIVIDUAL WARPS LATER...

^{ABOUT FUCKING TIME!}

Finally, some action! Umm...where's the enemy? I think I'll go into my warp menu and throw up my shields just in ca- HOLY SHIT! AAAH! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!

^{AAH! THE ROMULAN NEUTRAL ZONE!}

THOSE FUCKING JEHOVAS PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE! SHIELDS ARE DOWN! LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM IS DAMAGED! MY WARP DRIVE IS CRIPPLED! NOOOO, THE SCREEN IS FLASHING!

-Runs away sobbing-

That's one bummer about this game: You get only one life. Jeez, didn't the Jews have the sense to pack more than one Space Model-T? Now it's just a matter of time before those innocent Jews get converted and it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

Okaaay, let's try this again. Maybe I'll try visiting one of those planet-looking things on the map.

Hey, look! It's planet Abadox! Let's pay them a visit!

^{Hellooooo...anybody home?}

Well that was a giant waste of time. Oh, this must be planet Earth! Let's see what's shakin' there!

^{Fucking hell, do I smell that bad?}

Fuck, ONE of these planets must have somebody home. Oh, another one! Let's swing on by!

^{!&^*#&@}

Well THAT was a giant waste of time. I wasted time visiting three empty planets and what do I have to show for it? NOTHING! And where are those Jehova's people no- FUCK! And now there's even MORE of them! Alright, I'm gonna try ONE MORE PLANET!

OMG! It's God! And he's giving me a super laser! SWEEEEEET! TIME TO GO KICK SOME JEHOVA ASS! Waaarping...throwing up the shields...BRING IT BITCHES!

^{FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!}

-Runs off screaming and crying AGAIN! Slams door.-

BAH. I'll get raped more later.

Abadox, the Abadoxining

2006-06-29T09:47:00.000-03:00

I'm still not done with Abadox.

Basically I didn't bother to do a walking through of the parts of the game between where I left off and before the last fight, so just use your imaginations. I fought through shit that looked like bodyparts and space stations and crap.

^{Pac Man is pissed.}

Anyway, according to the game's manual, the progression through Abadox's "body" goes like this:

Stage 1 - Surface/Mouth
Stage 2 - Throat/Esophagus
Stage 3 - Forest of blue nerves/Inner sanctum
Stage 4 - Stomach/Final digestive chamber
Stage 5 - Intestine/Nerve center
Stage 6 - Tube of death/Core

I can't tell what part of a "body" that a Tube of death/Core would stand in for. The level before it was the Intestine/Nerve center, so...I dunno. It's either the heart or Abadox's ass.

So anyway, I'm impatient and I wanna beat this game so I can make more stupid analysisesesses of it, so I start resorting to savestates. Ah, I'll play through the game honestly maybe later today.

^{NO! YOUR OTHER LEFT!}

So anyway, the last boss looks like some kind of Mutant Fetus From Hell That Looks As Though It Has Swallowed The "Beautiful" Princess Maria Who Looks To Be Covering Her Pixel Boobs. I just park the ship right above that green orby thing and whore out the auto fire, killing it in seconds.

^{Congratulations! You've just rescued Raggedy Fucking Ann!}

Now for whatever reason, I guess planet Abadox becomes unstable and you have to escape. I'm not entirely sure what desroying a Mutant Fetus From Hell That Looks As Though It Has Swallowed The "Beautiful" Princess Maria Who Looks To Be Covering Her Pixel Boobs would do. So far the best theory I can come up with is she was sitting on the "DO NOT LET GO OF THIS BUTTON OR YOU WILL BLOW UP ABADOX!" button, and when I freed her, she took the ~~dildo~~ button out of her ass to escape, which would probably explain the ~~orgasmic~~ happy look on her face.

^{Wait, go look at the last two shots. Doesn't the bubble seem bigger than Mister Nazal?}

Basically it's an Escape Through Some Unguarded Tunnel Carrying Raggedy Fucking Ann While Going Ten Billion Miles An Hour sequence. Before I move on, let me get this straight: There was a completely unguarded passageway between where the Princess was, and the exit to Abadox? WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE GO INTO ABADOX THROUGH THAT THEN!? It would have made everyone's lives so much easier! Masoumi would be able to beat the game! I mean if Abadox had a mouth that big, then I'm sure getting into his ass wouldn't have been that hard. And if Abadox was just fucked to hell within the last few hours, he probably hasn't eaten yet either.

Well anyway, you escape out of what I guess could be his ass, and then the ending "sequence" cues. And don't whine about spoilers, I'm sure you saw this one coming:

^{ABADOX GETS PWNT IN The FACE!}

Abadox is destroyed. An entire planet destroyed. Countless millions or billions of lives lost. A truely terrible tragedy.

BUT YOU RESCUED THE PRINCESS!!!!!111111one

So if it was possible to save the Princess, why not a bunch of other people? Why didn't Second Lieutenant Nazal call in some backup from some other sytem? Abadox clearly wasn't going anywhere else, why didn't he piss off for a few hours and show up with the entire Imperial Fleet?

So let me get this straight: I just commited planetary genocide to save one person? An entire fucking planet is destroyed and this bitch is all I have to show for it? Shouldn't there be remorse, and not an upbeat ending theme?

I've been wondering lately if perhaps there was confusion between Nasume (The Japanese developers) and Milton Bradly (the Not-Japanese publisher). Often back then, the publisher would screw things up in a game's presentation that the developers didn't intend for. For example, the villain in the NES Metal Gear games is Big Boss, but if you read the manual or the box, you'd think it was Vermon CaTaffy and Higharolla Cockamemie, because Konami of America thought they were funny. Perhaps you weren't invading Planet Abadox per se, but rather the floating parasite in a pre-emptive strike? And Planet Abadox is just fine and dandy now?

Or maybe those fuckers at Nasume are real jackasses and decided on this really horrible story and ending to fuck with people's minds and make them question humanity as a whole.

Perhaps one of the developers said, "I know! We'll have this giant fucking bacteria cloud devour an entire planet! And when you go inside to save the stereotypical helpless girl, the whole planet blows up! And then in 18 years, some poor bored bastard on an internet blog will try to analyze every aspect of this game to find the answer when really we're just a bunch of assholes who made a game with an awful story! Hahahaahaha!" And since it's illegal for Japanese developers to talk in English, the guy was immediately executed.

The ending reminds me of the ending for Sub Down. In the ending, Stephen Baldwin and his bitch open the top hatch to the sub when they manage to get it to surface. We're alive! We did it! They talk and laugh and smile, apparently not giving two shits about the crew huddled at the back of the sub who are probably dying of asphixiation since there's only one hole open on the sub, and it's a shit far away from them.

God willing, I'm finished discussing Abadox.

For now.

EDIT #1:

This would have made for a better ending sequence.

Abadox Redux

2006-06-28T09:48:00.000-03:00

So yesterday I discussed Abadox, the extensive trial-and-error type space shooter where you infiltrate Dennis Franz trying to rescue some babe from Saved by the Bell, or something.

I actually found a much more detailed synopsis on eBay, which I can assume either came from the back of the box, the manual, or shit somebody invented.

In the year 5012, a strange cytoplasmic creature is sighted in your galaxy. It's Parasitis! A deadly, formless mass which feeds on all life forms and assumes the shape of its swallowed prey! Parasitis rapidly advances upon your home planet, Abadox, and engulfs it!

From nearby space stations, the World Alive Force launches a full-scale attack. But the massive Parasitis crushes the entire squadron! An orbiting hospital ship is even swallowed whole - with the beautiful Princess Maria on board!

You are Second Lieutenant Nazal, the lone survivor of the Force. Sidelined from the action by your ship's faulty energy drive, you witness the attack! But it's not too late to join the battle! Now your weapons are ready and your ship has been repaired! Jettison from your spacecraft, ignite your power pack and zoom into Parasitis' grisly surface. Your Mission: To blast your way inside Parasitis' nightmarish body and battle your way to its Core - to destroy it! Fight your way inside its deadly mouth! Travel down its throat, through its nerve center - battling hordes of enemy antibodies and bacteria! Use lasers, guided missiles, and special orbiting shields to destroy them! Beware the Guardians that ward off all intruders - bombard them with fierce fire power! You must succeed to save the Universe and rescue Princess Maria! Prepare to blast off! Your Mission begins!

First off, what the hell kind of name is Nazal anyway? Does he have a big nose? -Rimshot indicating pun-

Ok, so a floating giant parasitic formless organism sounded a little bit easier to buy than "giant fucking obese alien", as much as I liked the idea of that premise. Sounds like your typical awful plot 80s game which kinda minimilizes the whole tragedy of what's going on for another little quest to save

PRINCESS MARIA!!1111

Why a princess, anyway? What is it with alien planets and having Kings and Queens anyway? And what kind of "hospital ship" (Feels ripped from Return of the Jedi) would be stupid enough to fly close enough to a huge giant oversized pile of fleshy death anyway?

And why is she so much more important than the millions or billions of people who probably inhabited that planet (Who I guess are probably all dead anyway)? And how does this guy know she's still alive? What's so special about her that a giant fucking alien planet stomache thing would keep her alive as opposed to just raping her like flesh eating disease?

"Muahahaha! I have taken their hierarchy's last hope captive! Now they must give in to our demands!"

"They're all dead, man. They can't give in to any demands."

Ok, so let's assume the planet is as good as toast, countless millions and millions of people dead instantly. What the hell's the point in rescuing this princess anyway? If I was Second Lieutenant Nazal, I think the first thing I would do with my newly repaired ship is get the fuck out of there and go claim refugee status in Canada. I'm sorry Princess Maria, but I don't think I'm gonna risk my life barging inside some oversized alien lifeform masquerading as a planet just for free pooty, I don't think the risk is worth it. Besides, the sob story would probably get him a few sympathy fucks anyway.

Ok, enough venting about the story. Back to the game.

So I killed The Evil Mutant Cerberus From Uranus, but that wasn't the end of the level. Noo, now I have to infiltrate Abadox's "mouth", which raises a few questions: Why does this formless parasite have a mouth? If it assumes the shape of it's victim, how did planet Abadox have a mouth? Do they have an oversized entrance to Gatorland on Abadox?

^{This is the only excuse that partially makes sense.}

And even then the Gatorland theory doesn't fully explain it because the inside of Abadox's mouth has this in it, and I know the last time I visited Gatorland was about ten years ago, I don't recall one of these:

^{Perhaps they renovated since I've been there last?}

But I'm getting ahead of myself. So anyway, I beat the stupid dog and I had to shoot my way into Abadox's "mouth". I'm not going to contest the whole nonsense of the mouth, I'm just going to pretend it makes sense.

^{HOLY OVERSIZED CHICLET BATMAN!}

What the hell is that covering the thing's piehole anyway? Is it lips? Is it an oversized chiclet? An oversized chiclet would be good. They're fucking small and they're okay if you enjoy chewing gum for only thirty seconds because after thirty seconds, you've pounded out all the taste and now you're just mangling a piece of baby flesh.

Apart from a squad of mutated pacmen (the new name for the teeth thing I talked about yesterday) trying to catch you from behind out of, what I can only assume is a saliva gland, the level isn't so bad, except now you have to dodge teeth, some of which are placed awefully close together.

Aren't teeth like that supposed to face the other way? What the hell kind of thing anyway has teeth pointing away from the throat hole? Oh wait, it's an alien, it's not supposed to make sense. I forget that sometimes.

So anyway I get past the teeth and the tongue and then I get to what in retrospect might be a mutant tonsil or something.

Yeeeah, I'm not gonna even bother trying to make sense of that.

EDIT: I've decided I'm not done with the story. Another thing I was wondering: What if Princess Maria wasn't beautiful?

"An orbiting hospital ship is even swallowed whole - with the beautiful Princess Maria on board!"

What if she was ugly as sin? What if she was Rosie O'Donnel, or Whoopie Goldberg? Would Nazal be so eager to save her then?

And if this is some other galaxy with a planet named Abadox (clearly not our own), why does it even matter what year it is? It can't be the same year there than it is here, it's like trying to conver the US to the metric system, or the whole stardate thing on Star Trek.

How the hell does the Star Date work anyway? I know at least one trekkie who should try to explain it using small words.

It is currently Stardate: -316488.9 . Evidently the Stardate won't be invented for another 316,488.9 stardays.

So then what's the point in saying that it's the year 5012? Is it 5012 on Earth, way the fuck away from where the game takes place? Or is it 5012 on Abadox? What happened in the last five thousand years on Abadox? What is the planet's history? DAMNIT, I WANT TO KNOW!!!

Abadox - The World's Hardest Game

2006-06-27T14:25:00.000-03:00

Developped by Natsume and published by Milton Bradley, Abadox is the hardest. game. ever.

^{The title screen to the hardest. game. ever.}

Seeing as I forgot my jump drive at home (While at home, I had suspected I had forgotten it at work), I decided to look up information on NES games on Wikipedia. Abadox, being near the top in alphabetical order was the first one for me to look at.

Quoting Wikipedia here, "Abadox is a Nintendo game, subtitled "The Deadly Inner War," in which the player, as Second Lieutenant Nazal, battles an alien, Parasitis, that has engulfed the entire planet Abadox and assumed its shape. He must fly into the alien's body in an attempt to rescue the swallowed Princess Maria."

Sounds and looks simple enough, although the plot is clearly on acid. An alien the size of a planet? Either it's a small planet or this alien is huge. Of course, it's not far-fetched to imagine an obese alien these days. Obesity is becoming the number one problem among aliens these days, and they are no longer content with simply consuming a platter of Big Macs, several sides of fries, four McFlurries, and a diet Coke.

So it looks and sounds like Fantastic Voyage meets Gradius. But don't let it fool you, this game is harder than fish sticks (Which are BTW, hard as tits).

^{Two seconds into the first level. Judging by the position of the player and the enemies, he will be dead in half a second.}

Some of you may remember my ranting about Monster Party several months ago, where I made my judgement on the game based on the first level. Well, Monster Party turned out to be pretty tame gore-wise at least until the ending of the game. Abadox however, will rape you at all times.

The first enemy you'll meet is flying giant eyeballs. They usually appear in a line of four. They'll fly straight for about 3/5ths of the screen, and then they'll fly downward or upward to hit you, assuming you weren't already in their line of fire. Aliens, flying eyeballs...Ok, that I can buy.

On the ground, there's these weird globs of shit that I've decided are walking tumors. They walk around for a bit, then spray pieces of brain or ulcers or something at you. Engaging them is almost pointless because if you lower yourself to the ground to shoot them, there's a 99.9% chance you hit the ground (which already looks unappealing to have a picnic on), and blow up and die. I can only assume the outer layer of this alien planet is made of Ashlee Simpson CDs. Aliens, walking tumors...Ok, that I can buy.

Then there's these flying skulls with green hair who shoot at you with quick green shots, and if they don't kill you in their charge, they circle around you and come at you AGAIN. They're FUCKING ANNOYING because they'll wait until you're an inch away from them, and then they'll shoot, giving you no chance of dodging them. Fucking...flying skulls with...green hair? Okay, that I can't buy. Flying skulls and crap belong in Castlevania. How the fuck does that have to do with space? "Wait, Tex beat him to death with his own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible." "I know, that's what Jimmy kept saying." "THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE! *death*"

And the last enemy I can remember encountering were the odd pair of Pteranadons flying at me trying to kill me. FUCKING PTERANADONS. Those were hip, maybe, what, 65 million years ago? How the fuck could you have a Pteranadon in space? Is there another game going on, Halo Park, where Master Chief and Sigourney Weaver have to evade and kill a ring full of fucking dinos? So yeah, I can't buy that either.

If by some grace of Jesus you made it to the boss, you'll die here. This is some kind of...dog...mutant thing that looks more at home in Resident Evil. It jumps at you, fires three slow large shots upward, and then the same little fast cheap shot that the skulls do. It is just impossible to evade him long enough without using game genie cheats or save states or whatever.

Oh, and if you die here? You go right back to the start of the level. This isn't so bad if you got killed two seconds into the game, but then you get to go through the level ALL OVER AGAIN doing the same insane shit you had to do to get that far in the first place.

Think I'm shitting you? Here, play it online on this emulator. Or watch Gamespot user masoumi explain the game, play through it, and get constantly raped while offering inspiring commentary.

"No matter how great you think you are at something, no matter what life goals you accomplish, and successes that you have, they're meaningless. Because unless you can beat this game, who cares?"

He's right.

EDITS:

I forgot one monster. It's a set of teeth that comes at you while floating up and down trying to kill you. Whether or not I can buy it is still under debate.

And HOOOLY FUCK I BEAT THAT DOG MONSTER THING...except I was being ultra defensive and only taking a shot like once every thirty seconds, and I suspect the flash ad on the site was making the emulator run at less than full speed. But it turns out that's not the end of the level, he's just a midboss. FUCK.

I wanna buy this game.

EDIT 2:

Oh, and another thing. Why is he only saving Princess Maria? What the hell's so special about her anyway? Is she damn good in bed? Is everybody else dead and Maria is the sole survivor? Or does Whoever's In Charge (W.I.C.) not give a rats ass about everybody else? What the hell is so special about one person (Save for Bill Gates) who is worth invading a giant oversized alien to rescue them?

I know 80s video game plots aren't worth trying to make sense of, but...wtf? It makes even less sense than Monster Party did.

"Dude, you're getting a-" GUNSHOT

2006-06-25T10:31:00.000-03:00

So that's gonna be the new lappy in a few weeks. Dell Inspiron 1300. Pentium M 1.8ghz processor, RAM upped to a gig, etc etc. I've read a lot of reviews and it seems like a nice machine, plus I know people who own Celeron versions who seems to like it. So if you upped the processor and the RAM, in theory you would like it even more. In THEORY. In theory, COMMUNISM WORKS! IN theory.

But since it's Dell, it obviously comes standard with a whole lotta random crap shareware software pre-installed. When Rio got her Inspiron B130, she asked me to go through it and delete all that it looked like she wouldn't need. I was there for a good half hour deleting crap.

For some reason, the American Dell site ships their Inspiron laptops with crappy video cards, but the Canadian one ships them with "Integrated Intel® Media Accelerator 900 Graphic"s cards, which have Transform & Lighting capabilities, which isn't shabby at all.

Plus, at the very least it should be able to run plain Vista, if not Vista Premium.

And before anybody gives me any crap about "It's a deeeeeell they suck cause...uh...THEY JUST SUCK!", I'm looking for a laptop that can do relatively simple shit and light gaming. I'm not looking for something I can run Halo 2 on. I don't want an Acer, and I don't want a Toshita either. I'd rather go with the devil I know on this.

I like my job. I get paid $7.65 an hour to, for the most part, sit around and play a Nintendo emulator all day. I mean I had to do such strenuous tasks (i.e. printing and cutting things out. THE AGONY!!111), and I guess since whoever oversees C@P sites found out I built three computers for the Wolfville site, they'll get me to build one or two (And up my pay for that as well).

This week I'll be trying to beat the original Metal Gear and Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake on an MSX emulator, which will obviously be harder than the two versions I played on "Easy Mode" on the PS2.

When I look back upon my life, it's always with a sense of shame...

2006-06-16T22:02:00.000-03:00

Of course, that's a lyric. Only in the 80s could you take a song that by all means should be depressing, and make it awesome. Of course, then the emo people went and fucked it up. Stupid well-off middle-class fake-depressives. They all need to die.

Someday that picture'll come back to haunt me, I'm sure. But the context was hilarious, so what.

<%News_Bot> If we did ban him, we would be flooded with 'ZOMG TUS IS RUN BY NAZI'S OMFG U FAGS' posts.

<@PlayItBogart> It isn't? You mean I took these pictures for nothing?

Cue photos

<_OMERTA_> omfg pib
<_OMERTA_> LOL

Woot for getting paid to sit on my butt and goof off on a computer for 35 hours a week.

^{DISCLAIMER: I am, nor have I ever been a member of the Nazi party. I think they're silly, but like everybody else they have the right to spew out their garbage. Because when we censor the nazis, free speech loses.}

BILLY LEFT HIS HOME WITH A DOLLAR IN HIS POCKET AND A HEAD FULL OF DREAMS

2006-06-12T12:05:00.000-03:00

Woot, summer job at the C@P site in Kingsport. I'll be making like $250 a week (Before gas). New laptop, here I come.

Apparently I came "Highly Recommended" and was "Just what they were looking for". I didn't expect Nick and Joy to backstab me, but I didn't expect them to make me sound that damn good either. Well I'm not complaining.

It certainly seems more relaxed than my work term in Wolfville, because Kingsport is like New Minas without stores, or...well ok, Kingsport is in the middle of Batfuck Nowhere. It's funny, being from New Minas, I'm considered a city slicker up there. One of the kids in the lab said I was a "city boy" when I was in there for an interview.

They got five computers that look way better than anything Wolfville had, and two of them have flatscreens. I'll probably get a project or two to work on while I work there, but apart from that I'll be being paid to sit on my ass and goof off on my laptop.

I like the IT sector.

ZOMG CENSOR TEH INTERNETS

2006-06-03T13:41:00.000-03:00

So some coalition of idiots decided that WE MUST BAN THE SUPER COLUMBIEN MASSACRE GAME because IT HAS TO DO WITH COLUMBINE.

http://nocolumbinegame.blogspot.com/

I wonder sometimes if the Righteous Right realize that by creating this kind of controversy, they just up the sales/viewing of shitty games like NARC and 25 to Life?

Apparently this game must be banned and taken off the internet because it might encourage another Columbine. Apparently they have "insider info" that this internet game might be published and sold in stores.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

If I had a nickle for every time an anti-game advocate brought up an internet game like Border Patrol or Kill The Niggers or whatever, I'd have that new laptop in no time.

Here's what I posted as a comment there. There's no way they'll actually let it be posted, but whatever:

You're all out of your fargin' minds.

They're not releasing this game to retail. Why?

-The game is already FREELY available on the internet.
-The graphics are so dated that it would be laughable.

I got a great idea, let's shut them down. And let's piss and wipe our asses with the First Amendment while we're at it.

You know what's the best thing to do when you see something you don't like? ignore it.

By creating this kind of controversy, people like you have helped to drive sales of crappy games such as NARC and 25 to Life.

In fact, I'm so curious as to why the Super Columbine RPG is so offensive that now I'm going to go try it.

Good job getting people to not play it.

I know you'll censor out this comment like the righteous bull**** artists you guys are, but come on. How stupid are you?

YES Columbine was a tragedy. So was September 11th. Why aren't you bitching at the makers of United 93?

I think I'm gonna go try that game out now.

It's a work in progress, but...

2006-05-24T13:08:00.000-03:00

Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest

Many people have disputed what lies on the bottom of the pit. Some claim that at the bottom of the pit rests every copy of the Atari 2600 game E.T., while others state that Tupac is hiding in there. To this day, neither group can disagree that the Superbowl XL was a goddamn miscarriage of justice.

GIVE THAT MAN THE TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!

2006-05-19T23:11:00.000-03:00

This is to me as "Football in the groin" was to Homer.

That's like five internets right there.

2006-05-18T23:25:00.000-03:00

So this new guy joins the forum and clearly he doesn't look very promising since we're forced to lock the four threads he invents, due to I don't know, general uselessness. Then he goes and makes a thread where he says, and I am not making this up:

"fuck you all you all are just a bunch of fat cocksucking faggots getting mushroom stamps from there boyfriends do u know what you can all just go try and fuck yourselves with your little dicks and your fat chubby fingers"

Now clearly I'm not offended because the guy probably overloaded the RAM in his brain trying to think all that up (Shoulda used FreeRam XP Pro...), and since I don't mind the idea of letting the forum at large take shots at a stupid emo MySpace whore, I left the thread open.

Once the kid's really wound up and making death threats, I invoke the hand of internet law:

"Oooh! He's threatening me! Did you know that under US Law, you could be arrested for threatening to kill me over the internet?

I have your IP and everything. I should contact your ISP, who will in turn contact the local authorities."

And then of course like any other "bully" type figure, it's the standard "Ooo you're so chicken calling the cops^{(God I hope I don't get arrested)}" bit. Afterwards, I quote again, "yeah ill slit all your throats put your blood on my face like war paint and dance around like a indian bitch"

After which I lock the thread and contact his ISP. Actually got a reply back from them too. They're looking into it.

The thread in question can be read here. I always knew that damn Internet Annoyance Bill that Bush signed in to law would come in handy.

Got FF Chronicles in the mail from Rio, and should be getting Final Fantasy Mystic Quest soon too. I love that stupid little game. I think it would be a perfect activity for people coming out of brain surgery.

A Very Final Fantasy II Comic

2006-05-15T14:57:00.000-03:00

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN IS VR

2006-05-13T14:10:00.000-03:00

So by now everybody's forgotten about United 93, the reality movie where 16 survivors compete to be the One who accidently makes a terrorist push the flight stick forward and crash the plane.

I think this movie missed out on a lot of box office potential for a few reasons, the first being that 9/11 is still a touchy subject in America. My feelings on 9/11 are mixed - sure America needed someone to open their eyes to the fact that they're pissing people off, but...uh...maybe not something like that.

Also, it just doesn't work as a movie. You know what's gonna happen. Bunch of people are gonna be scared shitless on a plane, they'll arm themselves with airline food and try to retake the plane, and in the process crash it in Pennsylvania.

It's kinda like Titanic in that way. It sinks. And the only real tragedy is that Celine Dion wasn't on board when it went down.

You see, United 93 needed to have the real Hollywood makeover in order to succeed. It needed to be a "feel good movie" where it had a "happy ending". Now I myself haven't seen the movie but I'm guessing unless you really hate innocent people, it didn't have one.

Here's what needs to happen.

Firstly, Hulk Hogan needs to fly an F/A 18 Hornet alongside the plane, leap out, land on the plane, rip one of the doors open and get back in without sucking anybody out.

Hulk Hogan will give everybody his pep talk. "TAKE YOUR VITAMINS AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS, 'CAUSE WHATCHA GONNA DO TURBANHEADS WHEN HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU!"

Then we parody the Hijacking scene from Air Force One where the passengers retake the plane carrying HK MP5s and M4A1s.

THEN, while playing the Chrono Trigger theme, they fly across the Atlantic and drive the plane up Osama bin Laden's ass, sorta like how you fly the Epoch into Lavos.

They disembark from the plane and move farther up Osama bin Laden's ass until they find the root of all his evil: Rita Repulsive.

They defeat her while Michael Sambello's "She's a Maniac" plays. Then they escape the collapsing rectum of Osama bin Laden and fly back to the United States, where the President gives them all free slices of pizza, and Al Gayda ceases to exist.

11 Oscars.

Final Fantasy IV, the right way.

2006-05-11T23:56:00.000-03:00

Now when Cecil questions why he's visiting random towns, kicking the shit out of everybody and coming back with their jewelry, he gets knocked down to messenger duty like the bitch he is.

So THEN he has to go and deliver the Fire Ring to some town with his drinking buddy Kain. And Cecil is like so fucking surprised when the fire ring, by itself, FUCKING RAPES THE TOWN

[Kain] IT's A FUCKING FIRE RING WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU EXPECTING?

[Cecil] fuck this shit I'm going drinking, are you coming?

And then it turns into a Final Fantasy version of Conker's Bad Fur Day. Cecil and Kain got so fucking drunk off their ass that they wound up in Final Fantasy VIII. And Kain's asshole won't stop bleeding. And they have to go on an adventure through all the FF games between 4 and 8 until they get back home.

Along the way Cecil fucking smacks Squall around like the emo fag he is, Kain teaches Sephiroth the eloquence of tea parties, and the two of them get so hammered with Mukki and the rest of the gay wrestlers from FF7 that they actually wind up in Dragon Warrior 2.

And basically it keeps going on like this until they wind up in Medal of Honor: Frontline and they get shelled by the Nazis.

The rig gets a facelift.

2006-05-08T22:48:00.000-03:00

I still gotta get a bigger monitor, 800x600 sucks.

Damn you, MGO!

2006-05-07T21:19:00.000-03:00

I've gotten too used to playing Metal Gear Online. I tried playing Metal Gear Solid 2 yesterday and I kept doing anything BUT being stealthy, I kept diving into enemies and I'd never use first person. It was ugly.

Since I scanned 32 pages of it from various Nintendo Powers for Metal Gear Solid: The Unofficial Site, I figured the logical thing to do was make a signarure of Hybrid Heaven.

A signature lacking both boobs and humor. I'm impressed.

Jack Thompson must be getting the shakes about now. Since GamePolitics started screening comments and opened it's own forum (Which Thompson was pre-emptively banned from), he hasn't had any open public venue with which to spew out his crap.

It'll be interesting to see what happens when he can't take it anymore. I wonder if he's noticed that his website defaming the Florida Bar is playing the Douche Song (View in Internet Explorer or Opera).

And help a guy out. Help this guy get laid.

AC!D Cards 2 - The Fuckening

2006-05-05T15:36:00.000-03:00

The laptop hasn't been acting up too much lately. If I'm feeling saucy, rather than get a new one, perhaps I'll just replace the hard drive.

Metal Gear AC!D cards - On Acid

2006-05-03T11:24:00.000-03:00

I gotta revive PlayItBogart sometime. | THE JIG IS UP!

2006-05-02T15:29:00.000-03:00

Dumbass tries to jump from one building to another.

Passed my Database supplimental with 81%, so it's finally official: All first year IT courses at NSCC passed! I think I'll celebrate by getting smashed and playing video games. When in doubt, drunken gaming.

Alright, you two games. I'M ON TO YOU. ONE OF YOU TWO COPIED OFF THE OTHER, AND IF I DON'T HEAR A CONFESSION REAL QUICK I'M GONNA FAIL YOU BOTH.

^{Balloon Kid}

^{Hello Kitty World}

And rightly said by Nick, "people lose at life".

Slow day at the C@P Site.

2006-04-27T13:47:00.000-03:00

At least I can close the place up in two hours. 12-4 ftw.

Except for database, all Winter Semester courses = passed. So at the very least I'm coming back next year for more :D

It's funny, I've said that when we have our apartment in Middleton I won't let the state of our dishes deteriorate to the point where it's a filthy mess like at Dan and Nick's place. It's Thursday and I think I'll need a HazMat team in order to do all the dishes.

Made a rank in Metal Gear Online finally. Hound. I don't suppose killing 20 people in one round of Sneaking would have had anything to do with that, would it?

Oh, and this computer I'm fixing = suck. One of the hard drives on it doesn't even WORK.

We've all come to the conclusion that, contary to Jack Thompson's beliefs, the ESRB rating system is just fine. If it got any more descriptive it'd be blowing storyline elements, like this:

Contrary to what JimSensei thinks...

2006-04-25T16:16:00.000-03:00

This is why the shotgun is cheap in Metal Gear Online:

Thoughts on Gawker.com

2006-04-04T23:05:00.000-03:00

Usually, I don't like dealing with people I don't know. And I'm a nobody.

Imagine a high-profile person having to deal with hordes of people who will generally be an annoyance and an inconvenience.

I don't want fans breathing down my neck when I'm trying to take a piss.

George Clooney > Derranged fans.

2006-03-10T13:44:00.000-04:00

BARFIGHT!

Jack Thompson is gonna kill someone.

2006-02-18T14:46:00.000-04:00

It'll be Janet Reno.

How do I know? I outlined to him how he could kill Janet Reno and blame it on GTA.

On another note, I bought Four GTA games yesterday.

Monster Party, Part Two

2006-02-14T22:18:00.000-04:00

Well, it's pretty clear to me from a link that joe_doki gave me that Monster Party was pretty much fucked from the get-go. Have you ever done an assignment wrong and in a desperate attempt to salvage it tried to make enough changes so it could pass for the real deal? That's what Monster Party is.

I will admit after the first level the game got a lot less morbid, although not any less stupid.

Anyway, moment of truth. Final boss. It goes way fucking downhill from here.

That is one of the freakiest things I've ever seen rendered in 8 bits. Had I seen this as a little kid I probably woulda ran off crying.

Anyway, I kill it.

Looks innocent enough.

I spoke way too soon.

And if the 8 year old me wouldn't have been freaked out enough...

It gets worse.

GODDAMNIT JACK THOMPSON WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WHEN WE ACTUALLY NEEDED YOU?!? THIS PROBABLY TRAUMATIZED MORE KIDS THAN ALL SEVEN GTAS COMBINED!

-Emerges from hiding- Is it over?

Looks like it.

The moral of the story? Stay the fuck away from strange monsters.

Just what demographic is this game supposed to fit in?

2006-02-14T00:41:00.000-04:00

Today games are always under fire. One person's game is a certain lawyer's murder simulator. Adult games VS children's games. It's usually easy to tell which one belongs to which section.

With this one game, I'm not too sure. It's called Monster Party.

Back then pretty much every game was appropriate for kids. So when I was 8 and playing this at a house in Edmonston, I was a little confused. Apart from the title screen, it starts off innocently enough. Kid walks home from baseball practice and a star falls. It's a friendly monster named Bert.

Bert's got a problem. His home world is overrun with monsters, and he seems to think this kid armed with a baseball bat is a great help to enlist (I'm thinking Bert should have landed in Hereford instead). He basically friendly kidnaps Mike (I think that was his name anyway) and takes him to his world.

Friendly looking enough?

Well it doesn't look quite so bad. Nice bright colors and weird enemies throwing stuff, and Mike's got his bat.

That thing promptly started trying to kill me.

Exactly. Wtf.

Things continue looking acceptibly weird and bright until about after I pass under the Cactaur-looking thing.

Yeah, that might cause nightmares. Then I get reamed.

So, what is one to think? The game's too childish to be scary, it's too scary to be a child's game. Who was smoking what when they came up with this? "Let's make a game starring a kid with a bat trying to free a world, but let's make it as scary as 8 bits will allow."

News Release: Jack Thompson supports Neo-Nazism

2006-02-06T16:42:00.000-04:00

(This is a parody editorial posted in response to a dumbfuck edotiral posted at GamePolitics by Jack Thompson)

Immediate News Release - February 6th, 2006

Days ago, Jacob Robinda went on a vicious shooting spree across states where he murdered a police officer, friend, homosexuals, and the entire cast of "The O.C.", and alegidly did not leave a tip at a restaurant in Topeka, Kansas.

It is no secret that the perpetrator, Jacob Robinda, was a racist, neo-nazi homophobe who had a history with his local police department.

But rampant hatred of all non-heterosexual caucasians was not to blame. No. Video games are to blame.

According to friends of Jacob Robinda and people who developped opinions about him by reading news outlets, Jacob Robina was obsessed in a game called "Grand Theft Auto", a game where the player views a birds-eye camera angle of a sprite character who can shoot or jack cars. Only the original Grand Theft Auto is to blame, according to Miami Old Coot Jack Thompson.

But why would Jack Thompson choose to disregard the fact that Jacob Robina was radical white supremacist with a troubled life and potentially several mental defects?

It's simple. Jack Thompson thinks it's alright to hate homosexuals, non-caucasians, and people who serve you food. And why does he think this way? Because Jack Thompson is a neo-nazi.

I interviewed several character experts in coming to this conclusion. Those who did not die laughing at the thought of describing Jack Thompson without profanities dubbed him a "callous waste of oxygen" and "an uncaring robot who is willing to trample the dead to annoy the living".

But this alone would not make the case. Now that neo-nazism has come into play, Jack Thompson has chosen to completely ignore it and blame violent video games. Could he just be trying to push his agenda? No! Why? Because I say so! And if I write my opinions in an editorial, that means they are correct and not challengeable in every square inch of the Earth and several planets, and by reading the article this far you have voided your right to challenge.

So according to Jack Thompson, being a radical racist Hitler-loving bastard is OK, but playing silly video games is more evil than 9/11 times a million.

Hooah!

David Cochrane

Contact me to find out more at 1-800-Bite-Moi

Fo sho nigga

2006-02-05T06:37:00.000-04:00

Fun.

Haven't had a ten hour gaming marathon on one game in a long time.

I'm going to hell.

2006-01-27T00:08:00.000-04:00

That ad took it just a little too far.

2006-01-12T11:31:00.000-04:00

Fuck it, I'm voting Conservative.

I feel important.

2006-01-09T08:24:00.000-04:00

So I'm browsing the headlines on various sites during my normal waffle inhaling breakfast run, and I catch glimpse of this one, nearly spit-taking my fruit punch.

CBn for some reason thought my review of From Russia With Love (PS2) was the real review for the game, and put it up there.

Just...wow. Lol

Better than Rogue Agent, still overshadowed by EoN

2006-01-08T00:29:00.000-04:00

EA sure does like to pimp out their 007 license. In the PS2's lifetime they've created five 007 titles - While none of them can touch Goldeneye 007, some of them still have their good points. Nightfire had an amazingly addictive multiplayer mode with bots, and Everything or Nothing showed that Bond can work as a third person game. But it hasn't been all good - Agent Under Fire showed what happens when you don't use a good engine, and Rogue Agent was very hard to forgive for its complete lack of story or variety.

From Russia With Love, while easily better than last year's offering, is a step down from EA's best 007 game Everything or Nothing. Where EoN was strong, Russia is weak.

The plot of the video game follows that of the classic 1963 film, but there are obviously changes and additions made, as the film by itself doesn't make for a really good game. MI6 receives word that a Russian cipher clerk, who's come into possession of a photograph of James Bond, wants to defect and give them a LEKTOR, a Russian decoding device. However, both parties are unaware that the crime syndicate Octopus plans to manipulate events so as to steal the LEKTOR and kill James Bond, as revenge for the death of Dr. No.

The biggest talking point of the game is quite obvious - Sean Connery is back as 007 for the first time in 22 years. Having Sean Connery's likeness and voice is a great addition to the game, but the issue at hand is that Sean Connery is 75. It's great to have the original 007 at the helm, but you missed the boat EA - he's just too old to sound like he did back in the day. He sounds just as odd as everybody's flaming Sean Connery impressions ("Morning Q. Bushy inventing thingsh?"). Still, it beats the VA that did Bond in Nightfire.

None of the rest of the actual cast voices their characters (M, Q, and Kerim's original actors are all dead), but it's good to see that EA kept their likenesses and didn't try to replace Bernard Lee with Judi Dench, or Desmond Llewelyn with John Cleese. The voiceovers, with the exception of Moneypenny and Eva, are surprisingly good. Maria Menounos's fake russian accent is so flaming that it's awful, especially when she's shouting.

The musical score is excellent - Sean Callary (Award-winning composer for "24") stays true to John Barry's original score and style, and apart from the opening riff, doesn't alter the classic title theme. Something you'll definitely want to acquire when EA Recordings releases the soundtrack to iTunes.

The graphics of the game are also well done - the frame rate is brilliant in most places, and unlike Everything or Nothing, Bond runs like a normal person instead of waddling like a penguin. M looks just like M, Q looks just like Q, and Rosa Klebb is as ugly as she's ever been.

Gameplay is improved and diminished when compared to EoN. The aiming system which was in it's infancy in EoN has been improved for Russia. Initially, as with EoN, you press L1 to target an enemy. This only targets the enemy for basic shooting. If you press the square button, Bond will "focus" on his target. You get the same yellow dot that you controlled with the right analog stick in EoN, but this time there are targets outlined on the enemy. Commonly there's just the chest target (Bond's not really a headshot kind of person), but certain enemies can have other targets to shoot (Radios, grenades, body armor). It feels better done than EoN, plus you rack up points by shooting the targets, so you're encouraged to use it.

The inclusion of the Thunderball Jetpack is another fun aspect of the game. Though not invented until the 1965 flick (And it was an actual jetpack, no special effects), its inclusion is more than welcome. It's simple to use; you target and shoot like normal, the X button jets up, square lowers, and pressing circle while strafing left and right will allow you to dodge quicker.

Hand-to-hand combat is handled a little better this time around. In EoN, you had triangle and square as punches and you used combinations of them to attack your enemies. In Russia, if you're locked onto an enemy and you're within arms reach, you'll start going postal on the enemy. When you do this, one of the buttons will appear on the screen. If you press this, Bond will do a one hit melee knockout on the bad guy in typical Connery brawling fashion. Or you can just pistol whip the bad guy to death.

One fun little quirk is the ability to change Bond's attire on the fly. Whenever you want, you can switch between Bond's grey suit, his classic covert attire, his tux, or his white dinner jacket.

I don't know which version of the Need for Speed engine they were using for driving (Underground maybe?), but it just doesn't work. Controlling Bond's classic Aston Martin DB5 is plain awful. Surprisingly, the other vehicles don't drive so badly.

For multiplayer, EA removed their online service (Why? It could have worked well this time!) and instead of using EoN's co-op gameplay, Russia returns to deathmatch. Its way more fun to shoot at your friends and run them over than it was to try and coordinate a plan of attack. Sadly, there are still no bots in multiplayer (Another thing that could have improved Rogue Agent). You also cannot play as 007 or any of the good guys, but this also means you don't have to worry about the whole "But good guys can't shoot at other good guys!" thing that EA had going in its other deathmatch games.

Replay value is where this game takes a sink. There are no unlockable cheats like there were in EoN. There are three sets of things to unlock - weapon upgrades, multiplayer characters, extra material, and four extra levels. Weapon upgrades are unlocked by using research points (Collect schematics and unlock attaché cases), characters and extras are unlocked by using standard points (Kick butt in the main levels, get lotsa target shots), and extra levels are unlocked with award points (Get Bond moments, beat levels in time limits, beat them on 00 Agent).

The problem with this system is that by the end of your first play through, you've unlocked everything except some of the extra levels. By the time I finished the game, I had unlocked all the weapon upgrades, all the multiplayer characters, all the extra material video clips, and two of the extra levels. Maybe I'm just really good at this whole 007 thing. It would have been better if EA had at least included cheats in the unlockables like they did in EoN. I'd be a lot more inspired to beat levels on 00-Agent if I was getting stuff like infinite ammo, rather than four plotless extra levels.

There's another problem with the disc, depending on your PS2. EA screwed up the disc mapping so your PS2's laser will have to travel back and forth on the disc (Predominantly on the main menu screens) rather than just hold still. If your PS2 is older, continued prolonged playing of this game may degrade the track that the laser travels along. So try not to let the game idle while you go make lunch.

In closing, From Russia With Love is by far the second best Bond game that EA has made. Easily better than last year's Rogue Agent crapfest, but it's not enough to let the Connery Bond overtake Brosnan's Bond in EoN.

To buy or to rent is a tricky question. If you're a casual gamer, you could go either way. Bond fans should buy. You'll beat it in no time but it's great to dust off and play once in a while when you get the Connery itch. Metal Gear or Splinter Cell fans looking for a spy fest should rent or look elsewhere.

Still, it's great for what it is - a walk down memory lane with the man who defined an era.

DAMN that's small.

2005-12-25T16:21:00.000-04:00

Hmph.

2005-12-23T20:15:00.000-04:00

Seems Christine doesn't like my driving. I did 90 in a 50 once. And she told mom and dad. And only now today they give me the first degree on it. Waah waah this, waah waah that, you're a fucker who runs over babies and kills people. And rather than let me stand on my merits they're just going to assume I do that everywhere.

1. If she doesn't like the way I drive then she can get her own fucking license, she's old enough.

2. If mom and dad don't like the way I drive then they can find their own fucking way home from their goddamn drinking parties.

3. They can look forward to driving me everywhere now, because now, I'm not gonna drive nowhere for anybody.

I take the lives of few to protect the lives of many.

2005-12-23T12:08:00.000-04:00

That's hot.

And courtesy of My Hertiage's Face Recognition Software...

Ohh yeah.

MEMO TO SELF:

2005-12-19T12:45:00.000-04:00

End Kyle Morton's life.

Also, this is the greatest masterpiece I have ever crafted.

So it seems Giz is going to become an "it".

2005-12-12T19:41:00.000-04:00

I guess they're gonna have Giz (The guy dog) neutered because he's been rather aggressive lately.

The first thing that comes to mind?

I JUST LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE CHOCOLATE

Lookit me im John Kerry

2005-12-11T22:39:00.000-04:00

60 in the snow? Come on!

2005-12-10T10:43:00.000-04:00

I must be the only person from New Minas and the general area that isn't nuts. Of course, I suppose that could be attrtibuted to the fact that I'm not in New Minas and the general area at the moment, and that I'm in a new environment without family to bug me, and a new group of friends who are all great. Go figure.

So last night to celebrate the fact that the semsester's just about over, and so that we don't have to waste one extra minute there when the semester is actually over, we all went over to Dan's apartment for pizza, games, and booze.

So I'm playing RE4 on PS2 on one TV, Nick is playing RE4 on GC on another TV, Mitch is cracking jokes to both of us, and Dan's on his computer. He comes out and announces that Matt's gonna come over with his truck and they're gonna do donuts in the school parking lot or something. Nick and I stay back 'cause I wanna start putting a dent in the Smirnoff Ice that Dan got me.

They come back about a half an hour later. Seems the college parking lot still had people in it so they went driving on the main road. They smoked a mailbox and put the truck in the ditch. Fucking geniuses. So we all go out to help but it becomes pretty obvious that we're not getting it out of there without clearing a path or something.

And THEN by some stroke of luck we manage to flag down a guy with a tractor. He comes back with it and pulls Matt's truck out.

Then it was booze and gaming. Fun fun fun.

But I got sleepy around 1 and they were still going strong so I waltzed back here and went to sleep. Then the emo faghat starteddoing his whiney high pitched voice he makes whenever he's probably slicing his arms open or losing at Unreal Tournament. So as revenge, there's a little kid running around upstairs screaming, and I'm blaring my music. NO SLEEP FOR YOU, BITCH!

Stupid nearing end-of-semester work.

2005-11-30T18:02:00.000-04:00

Jack Thompson is a douchebag, Take #2

2005-11-22T16:02:00.000-04:00

Lately Jack's been pulling out all the stops to try and extend his 15 minutes of fame. Within the last week, he's been thrown off the Alabama GTA case, he's told off the vendors of his book Amazon, and he's accusing Alabama Judge Devin Moore of a breach of ethics.

Jack, slow down, you gotta pace yourself.

So on November 18th, Judge Moore revoked Thompson's Pro Hac Vice, effectively barring him from practicing law in Alabama. A Pro Hac Vice is an admission that allows an attorney to practice law outside of his or her state. As Jack Thompson is a Florida attorney, he needed it to take part in the Alabama GTA civil suit.

Along the line, Thompson pissed Moore off. He went and said a lot of nasty things, like accusing Sony of being Pearl Habor 2, and such. The defense in the case didn't like it either and moved to have Thompson removed from the case.

So two things happened; Thompson stepped down from the case claiming that the defense wanted to make the case about him, and by removing himself the case would continue. Then the Judge revoked his Pro Hac Vice effectively making sure he wouldn't come back.

THEN he got pissed at Amazon because his book, Out of Harm's Way, has been maliciously targetted by the gaming world who've been pelting his book with bad reviews and associating his book with gay sex manuals. I guess Amazon took their sweet time removing it, but I guess Jack feels so priviliged that it should have been done THAT instant. More on this later.

And now he's accusing Judge Moore of questionable ethics. Can anyone see the irony in this?

I've come to the conclusion that Jack Thompson is a pussy. He wants all the public spotlight, but he doesn't want any of the snags that come with it, like public backlash. How did he think the demographic he's trying to rebuild his career at the cost of was gonna react? You tease, torment and defame them as maturely as a pre-teen, and they're going to use the same tactics against you.

Jack has become one of the millions of public figures in America; but he can't take it. For every famous person, there's a movement of people out to defame, insult, and destroy them. Politicians, musicians, actors. They're not immune from the sting of negative feedback, why the hell should Jack be?

Jack's conduct is very reminisant of every single spoiled brat in North America - they love you and they'll sing your praises, up until you refuse to buy them a rediculously overpriced toy. THen it's all I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WISH I WERE DEAD WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH all the way back to their family limo.

So Jack, suck it up faggot. You're not going to get any respect out of people if you keep whining and crying that people don't like you.

Make a copy. Make TEN copies.

2005-11-21T17:23:00.000-04:00

So lately on and off I've been suspecting my shitbag emo roommateperson of stealing my food. First my Captain Crunch disappeared. Then some of my pop. And my half loaf of bread went missing this weekend.

Obviously Jason was at the top of my suspect list. I mean, we're the only two people who use that fridge, and I doubted that anyone else in the house would have a need for half a loaf of bread without telling me about it. So I taped up a note in the fridge stating the following:

"If ONE MORE THING goes missing, I'm having an all-you-can-eat with YOUR FOOD"

This morning I was still a little unsettled. What if I was wrong? What if I'm accusing the wrong person? So since I didn't have to be to class until 11 and he was gone, I snuck into his room¹

I was looking for no more than five seconds when I found it. And I came back with my laptop and my webcam for proof.

This was the first time I'd ever ventured for room, and I can say he is NOT hurting for food at ALL; which begs the question: Why the hell would he have to steal my bread? Especially when there's a mostly untouched one SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO MINE.

I spoke with Christine this morning about it and she offered to let me use the fridge out in the garage. I turned it down and told her why. If I let him think he can get full control of the fridge just by stealing my stuff, where will it end? What happens when my stuff in the bathroom goes missing? Or in my room?

Now I just wait and see what happens.

But holy freaking god is that room a mess. No fewer than 50 pop cans strewn about and clothes everywhere. What am emo faggot.

^{1. Jesus fucking Christ that is one major pigstye. I can appreciate now why parents want their kids to clean their rooms.}

Take THAT ya commie bastard!

2005-11-18T08:02:00.000-04:00

So my shithead roommate thing is up until 2:00AM blaring GTA3 (I knew it was GTA3 because he was listening to Treble Clef FM).

So I get up at 6:30 and start blaring Vice City's ESPANTOSO.

And now I'm off to play this bad boy.

It's not like you're gonna rip me off, I know where you live.

2005-11-07T23:13:00.000-04:00

Gotta love four day weeks. Problem is the workload becomes just that much more hectic; at least this time I'm making a note of getting some of it done more in advance to leave more room for the bigger fish.

^{I spent like 50 minutes on this piece of crap thing.}

When I was validating that, I got an error that makes ERROR: NO ERROR look perfectly sane.

Seriously, wtf?

Stretching my food budget because I want to get my hands on a DVD of Sin City. I don't care if I have to buy it brand new either, I've been meaning to get a copy of it and the itch is just getting too strong. Especially when you invent crap like this:

^1024x768

Weekend was alright, didn't get as soused up on Friday as I thought I was gonna, just one bottle of Smirnoff Twisted. Must have been all that pizza I ate.

I can sleep in tomorrow if I want, but I likely won't. We don't have any classes since our only teacher isn't gonna be in, so I'm gonna use the day to get caught up in a shitload of Cisco labs that gotta get done.

And somebody fix S3, it's not letting me log in.

Play the game everyone's going mental over!

2005-11-06T01:28:00.000-04:00

I hate getting up in the morning.

2005-11-03T08:25:00.000-04:00

When this week is over college-wise, happy I shall be.

FINALLY she makes it easier.

2005-10-30T23:03:00.000-04:00

I mean really. I don't want to be with someone who will just sabotage themselves because they don't think they're deserving of it or something.

^{"Women. Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em."}

ANYWAY. Better topics. Made $50 for installing XP on Buster's computer and configuring everything, plus networking it with his laptop. I mean it might not seem like much to everyone else, but we're talking about a 63 year old guy who frankly is too old to be arguing with Microsoft, so anything to make his life easier will result in muchos dollars for me.

Which resulted in a trip to Blockbuster, it being the only place that A) Isn't a flea market, and B) Doesn't suck, game-wise.

FOLLOWING GOODIES:

^{Pure sex. Can you say graphical remakes of OutRun and GoldenAxe?}

^{Chicks with pointy teeth and sharp swords are girls you DON'T want to stiff on alimony.}

^{What can I say? I like Alias. Plus it was free, so what the hell.}

^{This show was kicking ass back when Law & Order was still in diapers.}

GET IN THE VAN!

2005-10-26T08:26:00.000-03:00

That is hot.

2005-10-24T10:27:00.000-03:00

Scully, what the hell are you doing?

Yet another sexy signature.

2005-10-23T00:20:00.000-03:00

SEX OVER THE PHONE (It's so fulfiiilling)

2005-10-22T12:31:00.000-03:00

Vodka coolers are yummy.

Can anyone else see the resemblence?

2005-10-19T22:53:00.000-03:00

Does 118 head shots sound disproportionate to anyone else?

2005-10-16T17:34:00.000-03:00

So it's been almost a month and a half since Jessie and I ended. The whole thing's like a coin, really. Heads, I'm perfectly fine with it and damned be her. Tails, I'm remorseful, dwelling on whatever I did wrong, factors that were outside of my control, etc.

Man, things just couldn't have been clear cut. Neat and plausable. I couldn't have done something like accidently set fire to half her house or tell off each band she likes. The people whose relationships end because they fucked up something pretty obvious have it lucky.

I went and did the stupid thing of integrating her into pretty much every aspect of my life. Which means about once a day, my mood gets killed by "Pool...played that with her last time," or "Rammstien, she'd always listen to them". I still haven't figured out what I'd do with all the notes she sent me over the time, I still have them. I can't bring myself to quite get rid of them. I've just put them in storage until I grow a pair or something.

'Course I suppose I could be subliminally screwing myself over too, I still wear the ring she got me - I haven't ever taken it off since it ended. I mean, it is a cool ring and all, but if I want to forget about her and move on, I'm probably going to have to toss it.

I mean, things end, it's a fact of life. It's just hard for me to look back on all the fun, before and during, and then frown because I'm not going to have that ever again. Makes me wonder sometimes, if I was so wrong about this, what else could I be wrong about...

I guess I don't really have a defining stance on the subject. I'd love to have it all back, but then again I don't. I'll not speak of the circumstances that have changed since then (Between her and I; and whoever else knows), but at present it'd only be disasterous if it resumed. Not that it would.

I just get fed up with people who chalk everything up to fate. Stuff like "I guess it wasn't meant to be", or something to do with God, or whatever. Fate is bullshit. Fate was invented by greeting card companies as an excuse to open a new genre of cards. If you let yourself believe that every aspect of your life (Outside of secret gov't involvement) is controlled, you'll just sit on the side of the road and wait for things to come to you.

I guess this is the latter half of the coin doing the talking, as it does most of the time. The more assertive side's your typical "You don't need her, she can FoaD, etc."

Women. Can't live with them, can't shoot 'em.

Well enough wallowing in self pity. Time for some acquired goodies:

SOCOM 3 username is RED_OCTOBER.

This has to be the single greatest thing I've ever created.

2005-09-29T22:09:00.000-03:00

To Tom DeLay:

2005-09-29T08:35:00.000-03:00

STFU about "blatant political partisanship." You're a Republican, you don't get to bitch about it when it happens to you.

Anyone who thinks Duran Duran sucks can go to hell.

2005-09-28T20:34:00.000-03:00

My Web Design/Logic and Problem Solving teacher has got to be psychotic. There is no way in hell ANYONE is that perky at 9AM.

Good to have Joy Brown back though. I mean it was nice that I didn't have any of her classes on Monday or Tuesday, but the reason why sucks: Her dad died. I guess the only cool thing to come of it was that I had no classes Tuesday (I only have two classes that day, and it's with her.)

But enough talk of morbid death, time for positive death! Man, people in FoxHunt are getting raped left and right by me. Lol

Nothing really noteworthy. Last three weekends have all sucked, I've got my hopes up for this one. Keepin my fingers crossed :)

And on a lighter note:

God really hates the South.

2005-09-22T08:03:00.000-03:00

But I think he loves Pat Roberts.

THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, ONE MAN MUST RISK IT ALL

2005-09-19T18:53:00.000-03:00

Well there goes nine months down the toilet.

2005-09-09T22:36:00.000-03:00

Well that's the end of that story.

Who's ready for some FOOTBALL!

2005-09-09T08:41:00.000-03:00

Patriots: 30
Raiders: 20

HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE PLISSKEN PATS ROOOLE! =D

Dude, that's awesome.

2005-09-07T21:21:00.000-03:00

Out of boredom, I plugged my PS2 headset into the USB port. XP recognized it and installed it - I can listen to music and yack using this thing! :P

I had better not have to move them all at once.

2005-09-06T15:11:00.000-03:00

Okay, first day at college! I'd show off pictures of my digs, but the webcam picture taker ate them and I don't feel like reproducing them.

So I met a few new people. I also learned that Evan Isnor is in my IT class and that he's commuting back and forth between New Minas and here every day. Which is cool because he lives right across the street for me. Sweet. If I need a ride back, I can just go with him and pay him some moolah.

Got my books: More on that later.

So lemme see if I can remember their names...I think Jonathon, Morgan, and Sara are all taking applied arts, then I have Evan, some girl and some other guy who are taking IT with me. Their names will sink in eventually...Tianna maybe?

They gave us all a little college survival package. Let me try to remember just what it contained:

-A can of Dr. Pepper
-A can of flaked Tuna
-Enough laundry detergent for one load.
-Hair gel
-Various shampoo and body wash samples
-Some kind of skin thingy (I gave it away)
-Gum
-Breath mints
-Toothpaste
-A fancy disposable razor
-Bacon (I kid you not. "Bacon?!" It's that five second stuff.)
-Some coupons

And the selling point:

[Dana Carvey] Ribbed for her pleasure? Eeeew.

NOW, the books.

I had indivual pictures of the books, but after the program ate the pictures, I wasn't in the mood to do it again, so I've just got a side view of them all. Prices are in $CDN and in order from top to bottom:

1. Cisco Systems CCNA Networking Basics 3.1 Student Lab Manual
-$6.45

2. MCSE Guide to MS Windows XP Professional, Second Edition, Enhanced
-$100.63

3. Comprehensive XHTML
-$85.63

4. Cisco Systems CCNA 1 & 2 Companion Guide
-$89.95

5. Technical Communication
-$80.95

6. Business & Information Systems
-$101.95

7. Computer Math Problem Solving (Great, math...)
-$91.95

And of course, after you've blown that much government money on textbooks, it's only natural to blow a small amount of it for yourself:

Shut up.

I like it.

2005-08-31T21:11:00.000-03:00